That was some good shit, man

Okay, I'm flipping through channels this morning after watching Supercross, and may I say that CBS did a damn good job of breaking up their hour broadcast of commercials with a little bit of racing, when I spotted a show I haven't seen in a few decades on our local PBS channel.

"Lidsville" aka "The Land of Living Hats" and I'm all, "No way" and the TV is all "way" and I had to sit down and watch this blast from the Psychedelic Past and I'm all "Whoa, that's some good shit man" and then realized that *I* haven't taken any hallucinogenics in the last 2 decades (wait, lemme think about that, carry the one and what year is it and okay I'm good) but Lidsville and the whole Sid and Marty Krofft World was a world of some serious drugs, man.  The GOOD drugs.  Unless Living Hats freaks you out and I can see why they would.

I remember thinking Mark was so cute until I realized he was played by Eddie Munster and then that kind of killed THAT crush but I like how he's wearing Van's Canvas Authentic deck shoes which were the shoe of choice of my childhood and teen years and still are for this neck of the woods.  That's why they're Classics.

And I am having the WORST time getting this stupid video to work with this post and I've tried it about a jillion times and I STILL don't know if it will show up.  I'm sure it's all drug related.

Because that was some good shit, man.

Ah screw it.  The video STILL won't post so you get a link instead.  Click on it and prepared to be totally tripped out, man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btpd8zg5VWA

Sunshine Day

Don't you just love the cheesy campiness of the Brady Bunch?  Always so happy and uplifting and positive.  Makes your fillings ache and you risk becoming diabetic from all that saccharin.  I mean, I'm not a hand wringing Debbie Downer going all "The sky is falling we're all gonna die!" but I'm also living in reality.


It's like those people on Facebook who are constantly posting Brady Bunch-esque status updates that are all "I'm so blessed.  My husband/children/pet ferret is the most wonderful in the world and the birds are blooming and the flowers are singing and I know that you are envious of me and my fabulous life because *I* am blessed and you are Not.  Cut and paste this as your status if you agree!"

Okay, I totally have to use that as my Facebook status.  Because I am a bitch that way.  It's what makes me so gosh darn loveable.

I think I'll go for a walk outside now, the winter sun's calling my name.

Hanging with the Hoi Polloi

Boy, did I have a great weekend!  Thing 2, Gracie Lou and I headed out to spend a couple of days with my seesters and mom and our poor unsuspecting cousin Leslie in beautiful Palm Springs where the sky was blue and the sun was shining and we were alll "Ha ha!  Sucks for you people back east!" as we lounged by the pool and sighed with contentment.  I mean, just look at how blue the sky is:

 Jealous?  Yeah, I figured you would be.  And Saturday night was the Big Hot Dog Party, which was THE social event of the weekend, with people clamoring to be allowed past the velvet rope so that they too could be amongst the Hoi Polloi and be a Have instead of a Have Not.  Unfortunately for them, the guest list was pretty exclusive and the doorman was kept busy keeping out the riff-raff.

Somehow, this one managed to slip past the doorman but since she claimed to "know somebody" we let her stay.  For entertainment value because who's hilarious?  She is.  Just ask her.

While us womenfolk were enjoying the sun and social life of the Springy Palms, the menfolk were out in the desert for the 1st Round of the Kenda National Hare & Hound Series.  And SPEAKING of the Hoi Polloi, my little boy was chosen to be part of the autograph session along with the Pro Riders:

Look at that intense concentration as he scrawls his name for an adoring fan.

Kevin finished 20th overall, 3rd in class in what is now being called one of the most brutal National Hare and Hound events in a long time.

That's National Number 12 Kevin in front of his former teammate.  Who passed him for the win.  Bastard.

But the biggest event that occurred this weekend happened to ME.  And I'm still all a-flutter about it.  You are reading this week's winner of the highly prestigious award of Special of the Week at Bye Bye Pie.  The competition was fierce and, at times, ugly but I WON.  That's right, people.  Bow down to my wit.

After all that excitement, I was loathe to return to my dreary mundane life but return I must but at least I'm a WINNER!!

They can haz a dikshunary

Okay, so this morning I was driving home from the park and I stop at a light and there's a truck 2 cars ahead of me and I see a company name on the truck and if my cellphone camera allowed me to take fast pictures, I would have taken a picture of the company name but my cellphone camera does not allow you to snap off quick shots because it's stupid and takes forever to take one picture but anyway.  What I wanted to take a picture of was the name of the construction company because it was something that drives me absolutely nuts.

Anyone who decides it will be cute to spell it "kunstrukshin kumpiny" is somebody I don't want to do business with thankyouverymuch.  Not that I need or want their services but if I did, they would definitely be the contractor I wouldn't be calling.  "Kunstrukshin."  Please. What is this, Romper Room?

There used to be a gym in our lovely town that used cutesy spelling for their name and oh, I HATED it.  "Fysicly Fit" was the name.  Which I always read as "Fiscally Fit" which was a huge joke in itself because the owners turned out to be a couple of con artists (allegedly) who took the money and ran, leaving their customers and employees high and dry.  And out quite a large amount of membership and payroll money.  Should have seen that coming, what with the stupid spelling of the business name.  That right there should have been a red flag, people.  Anyone who uses cutesy spelling for their business name is not to be trusted, I say.

And then there's the people who give their baby a name that's on the Top 10 list of baby names but then because they want their little darling to be unique and stand out from the other 12 kids they know with the same name, they use creative cutesy spelling so that "Ian" becomes "Eighn" which doomed that poor child to a lifetime of people asking how to pronounce his name. Someone I worked with years ago really did spell her son's name that way.  The worst example of cutesy name spelling was someone who decided that the spelling of "Taylor" just wasn't special enough for their child.  Their child (I think it was a girl, I could be wrong) wasn't just an ordinary Taylor, she/he had to be a "Tailhor."  Which is pronounced "Tail Whore" whether that was their intent or not.  And just sets that poor child up for mean jokes about her (his?) name.  Trust me, I know about people making fun of your name.  Kelly Belly.  Smelly Kelly.  Hobo Kelly.  Yeah.  Good times. 

How much you want to bet it was Tail Whore's parents who started the Kunstrukshin Kumpiny?  Any takers?  I didn't think so.

Aretha and Mac, or, "As the Printer Turns"

Here's another blog post to let you know that I'm busy being busy, people!  Oh, yesterday was such a busy day, working on these nightmare race results and trying to squeeze in some housework (she said with a straight face), attend to some paperwork, answer the many, many phone calls, all relating to the race that I'm trying to compile the results for and answering over 50 e-mails, mostly relating to said race although several were for construction bidness.

While attending to construction bidness stuff, I was chagrined to discover that my printer, which has always been a bit of a diva and will henceforth be known as "Aretha", has decided it is no longer speaking to my computer, "Mac," that the two of them are in a Fight. This has been building up since Mac came to live with us last month.  In a fit of jealousy, Aretha announced she would not allow Mac to fax documents, that she would only allow us to fax hard copies directly from her.  Fine, you temperamental bitch, I said.  As long as you do your job, I'll overlook the inconvenience of having to print up the document first.  Mac gave her a dirty look but she chose to ignore it.  And she continued to allow Mac to print documents from her.  Until yesterday.  Yesterday, everything changed between them. Possibly forever.

And now they are no longer speaking to each other At All.  When Mac tries to print something, Aretha does the whole, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you" while covering her ears and Mac tries again and Aretha is all, "Are you stoned or just stupid?  You can hit that 'print' button all you want but I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!"

Oh, she'll make copies just fine and she'll allow that lowlife Windows 7 laptop to print but anytime Mac tries to send something for her to print, she totally ignores him.

I don't know, maybe if Mac gave her a Snickers bar or something, she'll stop acting like such a diva and allow Mac and I to do our jobs because I don't have time for this type of behavior.   Otherwise, she'll have to be retired and sent to the Old Printers Home, aka, "The E-Waste Bin" at the Goodwill.

And Mac will get a new partner, a YOUNGER partner.  A trophy printer/copier/scanner/fax wife.


Think about it, Aretha.  Think about it.

No post today, I'm too busy

This is just a post to let you know that I'm too busy to post something today so if you come here looking for my latest entry, it's not here because I don't have time to entertain you and keep you enthralled with my usual sidesplitting outlook on life.

I spent the weekend out in the desert, with a horse that shall remain nameless (get it??) at our annual offroad motorcycle race and now that I'm home, I'm on a deadline to get our race results done and yes, people waited all of an hour to ask when results will be done (those people have been added to the Dead to Kelly list) and I'm about to pull my hair out and if you've seen my hair, you'd know that I can't afford to lose anymore hair but they make natural looking wigs these days so in the event I snatch myself bald, I'll just shell out a few bucks for a Raquel Welch wig and look fabulous.  Girlfriend may be (allegedly) a nightmare to work with but she still looks like a million bucks and if I wear her wigs, I too will become a knockout and where was I going with this?  Oh, yes.  Why I'm too busy to post and how it's making me suffer from an intentional form of alopecia but instead of my hair falling out on its own, I'm on the verge of yanking it out.  I won't, though, because that will hurt and I'm a wuss when it comes to pain and also too I'm not into inflicting pain upon my person intentionally.  Have you seen my arms?  Nary a cut mark on them.

Okay, back to the topic at hand which is why I'm too busy to post today.  For years I was in charge of all the administrative stuff on our race day and it was my responsibility to make sure everyone knew what they were doing but I retired from that and OF COURSE without my hands-on supervision and guidance, everything went to hell in a handbasket.  Sigh.  It's so hard to find good unpaid help these days, lemme tell you.

So I must dash and get back to work on these ding dang race results with the incorrectly filled out paperwork and when I get a minute or two, I will be back to my )ir)regularly scheduled program of witty bon mots.

So remember, there isn't a new post today because I'm just too busy!

There's a reason US Weekly is not known for their recipes

So, one of the things I'm attempting to do this fine 2011 is eat a little healthier and take a little step out of my comfort zone and try new things to eat*, HEALTHIER things.  I even tried beets!  How did I like them?  Um, let's just say that box is checked.  They were so Not Delicious.  Unless you like the taste of dirt.  Which I don't.  Not even when I was a kid.

Another food I have wanted to try is quinoa although I really want to know how they got "Keen Wah" out of "Kwin Oh Uh" but anyway, I've heard really good things about keen wah Quinoa and how it's supposed to be one of nature's most perfect foods and that lady on that show on the BBC, "You Are What You Eat" is always touting it and have you ever watched that show?  Oh. My. God.  Some grossly overweight person is nominated by their family/friends or they nominate themselves and they have to keep a food diary of everything they eat for one week and then the week's worth of food is put on a table for the person to see it all in its glory and I thought *I* had an unhealthy diet but the crap these people eat makes me look almost vegan as long as you don't count my Bacon & Egg Quesadilla from Del Taco (and I don't).  I love that show.

ANYWAY.  I bought a box of quinoa at Trader Joe's and it's been sitting in my pantry and I've been putting  off making it until I saw a recipe for quinoa in the latest issue of US Weekly magazine and it looked good so I thought I'd give it a try.

My first mistake was trying a recipe found in a celebrity gossip rag that is more known for, well, NOT cooking and recipes.

My second mistake was following the directions in the magazine instead of on the box of the quinoa.

The directions in the magazine said to take a cup, yes, one CUP of quinoa and cook it with 1/4 cup of skim milk, add in some chopped nuts and it's an even healthier alternative to oatmeal.

So what's wrong with this picture, you ask.  Well.  Had I read the directions on the actual box of quinoa instead of US Weekly's directions, I would have seen where it says to cook the quinoa using 1 part quinoa and 2 parts liquid.  And the reason for the 2:1 ratio is because quinoa is like a sponge and will just suck up that liquid and the stuff just expands and seems to triple in volume.  So when I poured in the 1/4 cup of milk into the full cup of quinoa, that milk disappeared faster than I could say, "Huh?"  And the cooking directions on the box said to bring it to a boil and then simmer for about 15 minutes until all liquid has been absorbed.

So I'm looking at the pan of quinoa and there is NO liquid to boil until it's absorbed so I pour in a little more milk which also disappears in the blink of an eye and I stir and cook and after about 5 minutes I think ok, it should be done because all the liquid has been absorbed so I scrape the now 7 cups of semi-cooked quinoa into a bowl and attempt to eat it.

I tried, really, I tried.  But have you ever tried to eat semi-cooked quinoa?  It's like eating wet sand.  My teeth hurt.  That was about the time I took a gander at the box to see how it's supposed to be cooked and saw the 2 parts liquid to 1 part quinoa thing.

Which explained SO MUCH.

But now that I know how to cook it properly (I think), I will definitely be eating Keen Wah on a regular basis.  And feel I'm But I think 1/2 cup of the stuff will be more than enough, seeing as it triples in volume.  Seriously, I have never seen a food expand THAT MUCH.

And from now on, maybe I'll be a little more skeptical when it comes to culinary advise from a celebrity gossip magazine.

Maybe the "healthy" fried chicken recipe I got from People Magazine comes out better.

*Still not gonna try tomatoes, though.  Not gonna happen.