Friday, May 29, 2009

When Dogs Do Drugs

This is my dog:

This is my dog on drugs:

Since Lucy has been on drugs, walks in the park are a whole new adventure. Danger lurks around every tree:

Danger lurks UP in the trees:

It's enough to make you want to stick your head in the sand:

But danger lurks there, too:

Drugs can make you act really crazy:

But when your drug-induced high wears off, you crash:

You hide so nobody can see you doing drugs:

You feel anti-social:

You resort to porn to pay for your drug habit:

Drugs (and porn) make you feel dirty. Exhausted. And depressed:

Don't let this happen to YOUR dog. Get help now.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


When I was a little girl, my mom thought it'd be cute to give me a pixie haircut. The result of that was people mistaking me for a boy. A boy who loved to play with Barbies. The next time I required a new hair style, mom took me to her hairdresser who made me take off my glasses while he "styled" my hair. I guess he didn't want me to see that he was giving me a Carol Brady shag. Which is flattering on NOBODY. If I wanted to have Brady hair, Jan's blond waist-length hair is what I would have chosen. Not the mousy-brown thin, lank and dull hair I was given. Thank goodness no photos of That Cut exist. I hope.

As a teenager, I was incapable of Farrah Hair. So I went the next best route, Perms! Perms saved my life, hair-wise. They gave me body and texture and a "look." And the 80's took perms to a whole new level of Fabulous Hair. I LOVED my 80's hair! Except for that unfortunate phase of platinum blond Rod Stewart shag I went through. What the HELL was I thinking? Where did I get the idea THAT was a flattering look? Sadly, photos DO exist of That Hair Don't. But you won't see them here.

The apex of my 80's Hair was my wedding day. Big and Permed and Highlighted!

I looked Fabulous!

I knew it couldn't last. The 80's era of Big Hair went out with the Princess Diana cut. Which I got. What was flattering on Princess Di was not flattering on Commoner Kelly.

Over the next decade or two, I grew it long. Then I cut it off. I tried this, I tried that. One night while watching "Shampoo" I had the brilliant idea that Julie Christie's short-in back, longer-in-front angled bob would be The Perfect Hairdo for me! Never mind that that particular style works best on people with straight hair. Which I no longer had. Curiously, after spending $$$ on perms over the years to get curls, once I had children, my hair became quite curly and wavy on its own. I had delusions that once I got That Style, I would look just like Julie Christie!

But Bill, my hairdresser of 25 years Bill, thought it might work. The hair style, not me becoming a twin to Julie Christie circa 1969.

We tried. We really tried. I blow dried and flat ironed but in the end, I ended up with a hair do that resembled a pyramid (See profile photo). A red pyramid (Garnier Nutrisse "Pomegrante"). No matter what I tried, I just couldn't get the look I wanted. The natural curl was not cooperating. The fact that I'm now about 75% gray (covered up with Garnier Nutrisse "Pomegrante") didn't help. So at my last salon appointment, I tell Bill to add some layers and allow my natural curl to come out. What I had envisioned was a curly, wavy bob.

What I got was something very similar to this:

Looking like one of the Bay City Rollers was NOT the look I was going for, folks. Even my lovely, supportive husband says I look like I own a dog-grooming business with my Life Partner Beverly.

I keep telling myself, It's only hair, it will grow back" but at this point, that reverse-mullet monstrosity known as "The Kate" is looking better and better.

Or I could just shave my head and start from scratch.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Dress for Kaylyn

Yes, you read that right. With 8th Grade Commencement fast approaching, it was time to get Kaylyn Proper Attire. In the last 10 years, she (Who? Her. Huh.) has worn a dress or skirt a whopping two times. No wait, three times. But she wore the same ankle length skirt/blouse ensemble that made her look like she belonged to a Fundamentalist religious sect twice. And she wore Converse Chuck Taylor's with said ensemble. What I'm saying is that this is a teenage girl who would rather gouge her eyes out with a spork than go shopping for A Nice Dress.

Aunt Bippy and I dragged Kaylyn's sorry butt to South Coast Plaza, aka "The Mothership" because of the big Memorial Day Sales. And because any excuse to visit The Mothership is a good excuse. Kaylyn's lack of enthusiasm and participation may have had bystanders believing we were making this poor girl pick out what she was going to wear to her execution.

At Macy's Bippy and I hold up dress after dress for her approval. I'm not saying she was unenthusiastic but we got more response from the nearby mannequins. So we head to Nordstrom, where she grudgingly agreed to try on a couple of dresses. Which were way too big because they were size 3/4 and she is maybe a size 2. As we exited the dressing room, Kaylyn mumbled something that absolutely shocked me. She said, "I hate shopping for dresses." Really?? I NEVER would have guessed! She hid it SO WELL!

She finally admits that she kind of liked a dress at Macy's (but had never indicated said interest while we were there) so we head back. She points out the dress and I gotta say, I never would have guessed. It was this orange/brown '70's pattern halter-type of dress. I thought it was a bit "Hoochie LaHooch" but if that's what would get her into a dress, then okee dokee. After agreeing to try on a couple of other dresses as well, we head to the dressing room. She tries on a cute brown and white sundress with a fuller skirt but she isn't all the impressed with it and it would require alterations. And after looking at her first choice on the hanger, she decides against it (Thank you, Jesus!).

She tries on the final dress and We Have a Winner!!!

Of course my BlackBerry takes crappy photos but how cute is this dress? And yes, it's that tiny. When Kaylyn put it on, Bippy and I both got a bit misty-eyed and were mouthing "Oh my God!" behind her back. At which point we were reminded that she could see us in the mirror. Duh.

Of course this adorable dress will be worn for a Grand Total of maybe 2 hours but during those 2 hours, she (Who? Her. Huh.) will be the Belle of the Ball.