Thursday, April 1, 2010

Because I'm deep like that

If I had the choice to have a discussion about the health care reform controversy or the marital state of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, well, it's a no-brainer, folks.  Seeing as I have the depth of a flattened teaspoon (and damn proud of it!), if there's some celebrity scandals floating around out there, I'm all over them like white dog hair on a black sweater and right now, I'm wearing a black "Mossimo" t-shirt, because I only wear the most expensive designer duds, that is covered with white Gracie Lou hair so I believe that makes me qualified to pontificate on this topic.  Because I'm deep like that.

In the wake of the Tiger Woods/Jesse James and their nasty habit of banging some seriously skeevy whores, despite several of these Skanky McSkanksters declaring that they thought they had a "real" relationship and that it was luuuuuuv, they all seemed to have the foresight to save and print their text messaging conversations.  Not that they were planning on using these messages for monetary gain or anything several of them said with a straight face.  I'm sure they were just saving these messages to paste into a scrapbook or something.  Oh, who am I kidding.  These bimbos probably had a cash register sound effect set as their ring tones.  Every time they got a text from Tiger or Jesse, a "Cha-CHING!" sound was heard.

Not only do I not know HOW to save my text messages, it has never occurred to me to save them although I kinda wish I had saved some of the conversations between me and my friend Shellie because they are so frickin' hilarious but if people were to actually read them they would think we were talking about something completely different than what we were really talking about but WE know what we're talking about and now that I think about it, if someone were to have a record of our conversations they would think we were up to some kind of illegal shenanigans which we aren't.

Raise your hand if you think Lindsay Lohan will be trotting back to rehab, again, in the next few months?  Yeah, me neither and she's a mess and a half.

And speaking of rehab, it seems Jesse James has entered a rehab facility in Arizona in the hopes of saving his marriage.  What I want to know is if it's rehab for drug addiction, alcohol addiction, sex addiction or a combination of all three.  And can they cure him of his addiction to bumping uglies with fugly gold-digging whores who bear a striking resemblance to Marilyn Manson.  Because really dude?  Really?  That's what makes you sport wood?  
And now the latest Jesse James shenanigans and can I just say how much I love the word "shenanigans" is his caught-on-camera assault of a member of the "entertainment media" which is a fancy word for "paparazzi" and normally I have no sympathy for the paparazzi even though without them I wouldn't get my celebrity dirt but in this case, I think the guy has a good case against Jesse James and his knife-wielding sidekick.  One of the newscasters on my favorite KTLA Channel 5 Morning News made the comment about celebrities in that "we build them up and then knock them down" or something like that but hey, nobody forced Tiger and Jesse to impale skanky whores on their penises (peni?).  They have only themselves to blame for their abysmal taste in extracurricular sex partners.

And as long as they keep doing it, I'll keep reading about it.  Because I'm deep like that.