Friday, May 7, 2010

Chew on this

This is a two part narrative.  Part One of the Two Part Narrative on Chewing: 

So last night, in the middle of the night, I got up to, uh, use the facilities and noticed there was a light coming from down the hall.  The light flickered and I realized it was a TV and I thought that Thing 2 was either watching TV in the middle of the night or she fell asleep with the TV on which would have been odd because even though she is almost 15, she insists that I figuratively tuck her in to bed every night.  This means turning off her TV, taking off her glasses, giving her a hug and kiss and telling her "Happy Thoughts and Happy Dreams" as she climbs the ladder into her loft bed.  Even on weekends when she can stay up late and I'm going to bed before she does, I have to perform this ritual.

Anyway.  I deduced that the TV that was on in the middle of the night wasn't her TV and I continued down the hall to find the TV in the living room on with nobody watching it.  Since I was the person to turn off the TV and all the lights when I went to bed, I thought this was strange and wondered how the TV had turned on.  I looked down and found my answer:
Yeah, that was the remote to the TV and notice the chew marks right about where the Power button is located.  I don't know if Gracie was bored and went looking for Animal Planet in the middle of the night but I was Not Amused that she chewed up yet another TV remote.

Fast forward to 6:00am, when our little alarm clock jumps on the bed and gets all "Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!" on me.  I noticed that Gracie was a bit hesitant to follow me out to the living room when normally she's jumping in excited anticipation of her breakfast.  But no, she stayed in the bedroom which instantly made me suspicious and I started looking for Evidence.  I found it:
This is the second pair of earbuds she has destroyed this week.  I keep telling the kids, if you don't want her to destroy something, don't leave anything where she can get it.

So I get Gracie's breakfast and after she eats, she comes and lays down on the floor in front of the couch.  She's still acting suspicious but I can't see anything.  However, I do notice that there are some crumb-type of things on the couch but I don't recognize them and assume that she was eating one of her doggy treats on the couch.  She gets up and I see what she had been eating.  It wasn't a doggy treat.  It was a First Edition biography of Queen Mary that I had been reading and had left on the couch when I went to bed:
For reasons I don't know, Miss Gracie Lou has decided to do some Nocturnal Destruction of Personal Property instead of sleeping like a good little dog.  The death toll now stands at 2 TV remotes, 2 sets of iPod earbuds, 3 visors and 1 First Edition book.  Obviously, I now have to do a reconnaissance and sweep the areas clean of anything chewable before I go to bed from now on.

Part Two of the Two Part Narrative on Chewing. 

At the park on our morning walk, we're walking along when Gracie squats and does her business.  Being a Good Dog Owner who cleans up after her dog, I scooped up the pile and we headed to the nearest trash can to deposit the bag o' poo.  There happened to be several geese loitering in the vicinity of the trash can but I (foolishly) felt I could get to the trashcan before they would notice me.  I was SO wrong.

As Gracie and I approach the trashcan, 2 of the geese took exception to the fact that we were trespassing on their turf and they got all up in my face about it, flapping their wings and hissing and honking.  I start giggling nervously but continue toward the trashcan when those fuckers attacked!  They came at me biting and hissing and I'm start screaming and flailing the bag o' poo at them and they are so not afraid of me, my bag o' poo OR my little dog, too.  I say, "screw this!" and turn tail to run for my very life when Gracie decides to run in between my legs and trip me with the cord of her leash and I fall on my butt and the geese are nipping and biting and I'm screaming and flailing and Gracie is all tangled up in my legs and I'm all "Dude whose side are you on here?" and the other geese are just standing there watching and laughing and high-fiving each other and the squirrels who had come down from the trees to watch the fun and I'm on my hands and knees crawling as fast as I could until I could get untangled and I finally get to my feet and run away with the geese in hot pursuit and I'm thinking, "why am I a chew toy for geese?" and Gracie is all, "That was fun!  Let's do it again!" as she tries to run back to the geese and I'm all Get Me the Fuck Out of Here.

I would have taken photos of these gangbangin' geese but I was too busy running for my life to get my phone out and tell them "Strike a pose for my blog, yo!"

And people say I live a dull life.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wednesday Ramblings

Or, as Steve Martin once said, "R A M B L I N apostrophe"  

Years ago, when I was still in High School, my sister and I went and saw Steve Martin perform at the Universal Amphitheater and his opening act was The Blues Brothers.  I think it was one of the first Real Live appearances by the Blues Brothers.  Anyway, one of the things I remember most about that night was when I heard someone yelling my name, "Kelly!  Kelly!  Hey, Kelly!" and I'm looking around and I don't recognize anyone and then this guy runs up, puts his arm around me and says, "Ok!" and another guy takes our picture and first guy, says, "Hey, thanks Kelly!" and runs off and I'm all "What the hell?" and when that guy gets his photos developed he's going to have one of him with a girl who has a totally confused "Huh" expression on her face and I always wondered a) who WAS that guy? and 2) how did he know my name as I wasn't nearly as famous back then as I am now what with my dozen followers and all so that, folks, is one of the Big Mysteries of My Life which pretty much tells you there ain't a whole lot going on my life now, is there?
The other day, over at Bye Bye Pie which is one of my favorite blogs because the comments and the followers have pretty much taken on a life of their own and are frequently more entertaining than the actual blog, the topic of adult tantrums came up and I was reminded of my late father who was FAMOUS for his tantrums.  We never knew what would set him off.  One time, Hand to God, it was the way the toilet paper was on the holder.   

But the best and most memorable tantrum I can recall is the time he pitched a fit about going through the drive-thru at Jack in the Box.

I think we had been at the beach that day and on the way home we asked my dad to go through the drive-thru at Jack in the Box and he refused.  And got angry about it.  Of course we kept clamoring for Jack in the Box and he kept refusing and getting angrier about it.  Finally, the real reason for his refusal came out and it had nothing to do with money or the food.  It was the drive-thru itself.

Why, you ask?  I'll tell you.  Back then, this was in the '70s, when you placed your order in the drive-thru at JITB, the speaker was located in the head of a clown and that was where my dad drew the line.  As he so eloquently put it, "I AM NOT TALKING TO A GODDAMN CLOWN!" which of course just sent us all over the edge in hysterical laughter which did nothing to help the situation and in fact, made it worse because my dad did not have much of a sense of humor about his own quirks. We still laugh about the Jack in the Box episode to this day.   He also had a "thing" about answering machines.  When he had to leave a message, he would speak in a strange staccato, robot-like voice.  If it wasn't a real live person to speak to, he choked.

So, I got a new cellphone.  Thing 2 had been hounding me for a new phone and since it was Upgrade Time and Thing 2 had made some coin the night before by babysitting, I took her to get her new phone.  My kids know if they want something like a new phone or iPod etc, they have to pay for it themselves. And since I was there and qualified for an upgrade myownself, I decided to take advantage of the offer and switch out my 2 year old BlackBerry Curve for one of them newfangled Droid phones.  Oh. My. God.  It was like going from a Walkman to an iPod.  From a Commodore 64 to a MacBook Pro.  From Pong to Xbox 360.  I can't type on the keypad as fast as I could on the BB's keypad and there's a few things I'm still learning but for the most part, I'm LOVING it.  Yeah, I would have liked an iPhone because I'm a tried-and-true Apple Fan but not an AT&T fan so I got the next best thing.

Ok, so I'm STILL stunned over last night's episode of LOST.  I actually got choked up while walking this morning just thinking about it.  I know there are only a few episodes left and I'm still completely, well, LOST.

I love "Designed to Sell" but I really wish they'd get rid of that Orange gal.  Between her Bad Acting, her Bad Acne and her REALLY bad Orange makeup and/or spray tan, I can't even enjoy the show.
Speaking of driving even though I wasn't, it drives me nuts when I'm waiting to make a left hand turn on a green light and I'm in the intersection waiting to turn and there's a car coming towards me and they're going to make a right hand turn and they get to the corner and they STOP.  And sit and wait for you to turn even though they have the legal right of way and you're sitting there going, "Dude, are you going to turn or what?" and they just sit there staring at you and it's like a Mexican Standoff as the two of you just sit and wait for the other to turn and finally you say, "Screw it" and you start to turn and THAT is when they decide they're going to turn and then you have to hit the brakes and the people behind you have to slam on their brakes to avoid hitting you and you figure out the only way that driver got their drivers license was by blowing the DMV dude because they sure as hell didn't get their drivers license by actually passing the written and driving parts of the test.

And on that note, have a lovely Wednesday.