Saturday, March 5, 2011

It's the little things that bring such joy to my life

Back in late 2009, when TV commercials were all about Christmas, there were frequent commercials for that new-fangled reading dee-vice called the Kindle.  And TheManTheMyth asked me if it was something I would want/need/use since I spend a small fortune on books every year.

And like an idiot, I replied along the lines of "It's nice but I don't really NEED one" and he looked at me like I had just said, "Pooloo see bagoomba!" (5 points for anyone who gets that).

As soon as Christmas had come and gone and I started hearing from friends how the Kindle is the greatest invention since pockets and they'd marry it if they could, I realized that perhaps I had been a little too hasty in declining one as my Christmas gift.  And I've wanted one ever since but haven't had the disposable cash to get one.

Well guess what?  I finally got one without shelling out any cash.  I had sold back some books to Amazon, had a $25 Amazon gift card and then sold my 3 year old BlackBerry and some DVD's and lo and behold!  I had enough for a Kindle.  It arrived on Thursday and promptly loaded it with a dozen of the free books and am now happily plowing through "Count of Monte Cristo" which is quite the endeavour because it's pretty obvious that Alexandre Dumas was paid by the word when he wrote that book.

Anyway, I love my Kindle, it has brought extreme joy to my life.

But that's not the only thing that has brought joy to my life.

I may have mentioned a time or two how much I hate, despise and loathe my ridiculously overpriced vacuum cleaner.  I've wanted a new vacuum, preferably a Dyson Ball Animal, that would actually suck up the pounds of Gracie Lou hair that covers the single rug in my house, which is in the living room.

Of course, the Dyson does cost more shekels than I have laying around but I figured that it is the ONLY vacuum that could do the job.

Or maybe not.

I happened to be at the 'Zhay today because I wanted a cover for my Kindle (they were out of them.  Bastards).  As I headed to the exit I had to pass by the vacuum display.

Well, let's just say that one of those vacuums followed me home and yes, I'm keeping it.  I assembled it, plugged it in and put it to the ultimate test:  the living room rug.

And Oh. My. God.  That rug hasn't looked that clean in I don't know how long.  It really IS a multi-colored Persian rug and NOT a dingy white-ish, green-ish furry rug.

Oh!  I was so THRILLED that I ran and dragged Thing 2 out of her cave to demonstrate the wonders of this vacuum and show her the evidence.  She was all, "Really?  This excites you?" and headed back to the Cave, unimpressed.

It totally kicked the stupid Kirby's butt AND because it's bagless I don't have to deal with overpriced vacuum bags that fill up in 3 uses.

And no, I didn't get the Dyson.  Instead of spending $500.00 on the Dyson, I spent a whopping $50.00 on a Dirt Devil Lightweight.  That totally kicks ass.  And is easy to operate and empty, unlike the Kirby.

I'm just so ding-danged happy I could just plotz.

Because it's the little things that bring such joy to my life.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Helen of Troy in Plushie Form

Meet Lover:


Lover is Coco's favorite sex toy play thing EVER.  Lover is soft and plush and life size and Coco, who is a spayed female Labradoodle, takes the dominant (male) role in this relationship and Lover is fine with that.  It's rather amusing to watch Coco approach Lover, sniff and then mount Lover and hump away while biting the top of Lover's head.  Sometimes there's some rough play and Coco will toss Lover around in a form of foreplay prior to the Act of Love.  Lover has provided Coco with a unique way of relieving some built up tension.

Unfortunately, Lover was also the cause of an ugly fight between Coco and Gracie Lou yesterday morning.

Coco is stressed, depressed and glum at having to stay with us while her Mommy and Daddy are in Hawaii and Gracie has not been much of a help at making Coco feel any better.

So Coco decided what she really needed was some good loving from Lover and proceeded to do just that.  In front of Gracie Lou.  Who was OUTRAGED.  And jealous and decided she was going to take Helen of Troy here away from Coco, by force.  It was SO romantic.  Not.

Gracie gets this livid look in her eye and marches right up and grabs Lover away from Coco, in mid-hump mind you, and Coco was all, "oh no you di'in't!" and Gracie was all "This is MY house and what's yours is MINE and waddya gonna do about it?" and Coco drops the gloves and it was like the big fight scene in Ron Burgundy between the news teams until I grabbed Lover and used Lover to beat the two dogs apart and sent them to neutral corners.

For the rest of the day, Lover was Off Limits, although both Coco and Gracie Lou would give Lover the eye and then glare at each other but neither of them made a move toward Lover.

Finally, last night, Coco was looking so longingly at Lover and it HAD been a stressful day and Gracie was sawing logs on the couch so I nudged Lover toward Coco and Coco took Lover and, uh, relieved some tension if ya get my drift.

Gracie woke up during this Live Sex Act, looked at me and I said, "Don't EVEN think about it!" and she grudgingly let Coco and Lover have Their Time together.

An Understanding has been reached between Coco and Gracie which means I don't have to worry about a Trojan Horse showing up at my door any time soon.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

It's going to be 5 fun-filled days. Or not.

So, my seester Bippy and brother-in-law Gaga (no relation to Lady Gaga for those of you who might be wondering) left for Hawaii and gave me the privilege of taking care of their most prized possession, Coco.
For those of you who don't know, Coco is the Messiah, ChristChild and Walks on Water as far as Gaga is concerned.  Coco can do no wrong and obviously, everyone else feels the same way he does.  At least in Gaga's mind.  Gaga's standard response when told, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here" is, "It's okay, it's Coco" and he toddles on his merry way with Coco at his side, completely oblivious to the outrage left in their wake.

Luckily, Coco is one of the most well-behaved dogs out there and we do so love having her stay with us.  Gracie Lou, especially, was practically doing cartwheels when I brought Coco home for her 5 day sleepover because Coco is her Best Friend.  However, Coco does not consider Gracie Lou to be HER Best Friend and is, quite frankly, annoyed and irritated by her.  Especially because Gracie is extremely competitive and jealous and has made it clear she is Alpha Dog, despite only being half of Coco's size.

Already this morning I have had to break up several fights, all instigated by Gracie Lou because whatever Coco has, Gracie Must Take.  By force, if necessary.  And while Coco is an extremely laid back dog, she's not going to roll over and let this pipsqueak little bitch get the best of her.

As I type this, the two dogs are laying here in my office, about 3 feet apart.  Coco is doing her best to ignore Gracie Lou, who she pretty much loathes right now, and Gracie Lou is giving Coco the stink eye because she's still pissed that Coco didn't respect her authoritay.

So between the jealousy, competition and Coco's tendency to raise the alarm, LOUDLY, especially in the middle of the night whenever she hears a noise, it's going to be 5 fun-filled days until Bippy & Gaga return and spring Coco from this living hell.

Or not.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

There's a Positive to the Negative

And doesn't that title sound all Deep and Profound?

Okay, yesterday over a Bye Bye Pie, June asked her faithful and devoted followers (even Carin) to say something nice about someone or something that you normally wouldn't.  And anything mean or snarky would be deleted and she meant it.  She said so in CAPITAL LETTERS, which is how we knew she was serious.

The response was tremendous.  And yes, there were a few of us who let the snark sneak in, myself included but it was very cathartic and positive.

And it reminded me of how negativity breeds negativity and it only takes one person to infect everyone else.

Years ago, I worked in a department that was 99% women.  Believe it or not, we all got along quite well and there was very little tension and it was one Big Happy Family.

And then Debbie Downer was hired.  And within a matter of weeks, we were all at each other's throats.  Sniping, snarking, and bickering became the norm and and the tension in that department could be cut with a knife.  People who were normally best work buddies argued over every trivial issue and oh! it was awful.  The other employees started to avoid our wing like the plague because it was so tense and unhappy in there.

And it could all be traced to Debbie.  She wasn't mean, she wasn't bitchy, she was a nice girl but she was such a big ball of negativity, oozing angst and woe and it infected the whole department and brought the rest of us down.

I finally had enough and went to our Department Head and demanded Debbie Downer either be moved to another department or let her know she wasn't the Best Match for this job.  And Department Head agreed and Debbie Downer was "let go."

The following Monday, our office was once again a Happy Place of Love and Harmony and we could focus not only on our work but get back to discussing important topics such as what cartoons we watched when we were kids and what were the fashion trends at our respective high schools.

I know that I have been snarky about the Happy Peppy "My Life is so FABULOUS!!" stuff posted by people on Facebook and well, yeah, it still annoys me and I will continue to roll my eyes at all the motivational and inspirational quotes that people post every. single. day.  

But I'll be more positive about it.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Whatever you're selling, I don't want it. Unless you're a Girl Scout. Or Jason Statham.

It seems as if once a week, sometimes several times a week, someone will knock on my door in an attemtp to sell me something I do not want nor need.  Except for Girl Scout cookies.  For the first time in YEARS, a Real Live Girl Scout knocked on our door the other day and wanted to know if we wanted to buy some cookies.

Is this a trick question?  Does the Pope shit in the woods?  Are bears Catholic?  Wait.  That didn't come out right.  Anyway, the correct answer to "Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?" is a resounding and enthusiastic "You bet your ass!"

Unfortunately, most of the time the person knocking on my door trying to sell me something is Not an always-welcome Girl Scout.  One time, it was a vacuum cleaner sales guy.  Who found a willing sucker customer in TheManTheMyth to buy an extremely overpriced Kirby vacuum that I hate with every fiber of my being.  You can read the whole story HERE.  Yeah, I'm still bitter about THAT.  We try not to leave TMTM home alone any more.

This past weekend, I was doing some housework (was too!) when someone started POUNDING on the door.  I looked through the little peephole and didn't see anyone and started to walk away when I caught movement off to the side of the porch so I opened the door and see this woman lurking in the corner of the porch and she is completely bundled up in several layers of clothing, including multiple coats, hats, scarves and gloves.  She's clearly one of the transients that are always moving through the area.  She holds up a couple of bags of hard candy like the cheap kind that you buy to fill a pinata and in a mumbled voice asks if I want to buy some candy.  Um, no.  Then she asks if I want to donate a couple of bucks.  Um, no.  She turns and shuffles back down the steps and I shut the door.

We also tend to get "Home Improvement" representatives that are offering services for low, low prices.  Even when I tell them that TheManTheMyth is a Real Live General Contractor, they STILL try to convince me to hire them to do whatever home improvement project.  They will argue that their prices are very competitive and don't seem to comprehend when I ask if they will do the work for Free because that's the only way they can give me a better price than what TMTM costs to do the job himself.

Yesterday, I finally found a way to send them on their way in a polite yet firm manner.  And I have to thank the guy who tried to sell me some home improvement services for it.  He started his spiel with an assurance that he was licensed and had a copy of a business license and a lightbulb went off in my head and I stopped him and asked if he would like to see MY business license along with a California's Contractor's License.  

That took care of THAT right there.  

I wonder if that will work for the "Religious Salesmen" that are ALWAYS coming around?  I can just picture it:

Religion Pusher:  Hello, I'd like to talk to you about having a Personal Relationship with Jesus Christ.

Me:  Would you like to see my business license?

Religion Pusher:  What?

Me:  What about my AMA District 37 Offroad Competition Desert Racing License?  Wanna see that? 

Religion Pusher:  Um, no thank you.  I'd really like to talk to you...

Me:  Hey, would you like an autographed poster of National Hare & Hound Rider N12x?  I can go wake him up for you!

Religion Pusher:  No, no, that's okay, why don't I just leave some pamphlets and a copy of The Watchtower for you to read?

Me:  Wait!  Wanna see some hot photos of Jason Statham?  I'd sure like to have a Personal Relationship with Him wink wink nudge nudge.

I totally think this will work.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Shallow, superficial trainwrecks

Okay, I had a whole different post written up that was about how some IGNORANT skank attempted to violate the unspoken rules of Silent Auction Etiquette (and failed) at a charity function I attended with my seester Bippy and favorite crony Bubbles, aka "Queen Stella" this weekend but there's just way too much Shallow and Superficial Hollywood stuff to discuss and I am ALL about the Shallow and Superficial.

Let's start with the Oscars.  Even though I could care less about who won what because I'm just not a movie person but I AM all about the fashions so let us begin, shall we?

How bored was James Franco?  He seemed really put out that he had to do this co-hosting job with Anne Hathaway.  Or he was stoned to the gills.  Either way, baaaaaaad.

And because I'm all about the fashions, I'm probably the only person who enjoyed Anne's many costume changes.

I totally missed both Kirk Douglas AND Melissa Leo's infamous acceptance speech because I was getting dinner for my beaten and battered menfolk who raced yesterday, a race that kicked both their butts HARD.  And did anyone else think that Melissa Leo looked like she was wearing a recycled tablecloth?

And SPEAKING of ugly dresses, Cate Blanchett's looked like something out of a Sci-Fi (or is it, "SyFy" now?) movie, what with the beaded breastplate thing and the square sleeves and yeah, no.

I liked Gwyneth Paltrow's dress but her hair?  No.  Overly bleached, brassy, stringy, blah, blecch.  And based on her facial expressions/contortions, she must have been in some serious pain while she was singing.  Next time, Gwynnie, don't eat cabbage soup prior to going on stage since obviously it gave you painful gas bubbles.

How fabulous is Helen Mirren?  

Did anyone else get the impression that Sandra Bullock might have just a wee bit of a crush on Javier Bardem?  Totally understandable because Javier?  Is HOT.  HOT is what that man is.

Moving on.

Charlie Sheen.

Oh. My. God.  All aboard the KooKoo ChooChoo.

How many "exclusive" interviews can he give?  Uh, Charlie?  It's not "exclusive" when you're giving them to anyone with a microphone.  Who's next, Bird Fancy Magazine?  Charlie, there comes a time when you need to Shut. The. Fuck. Up and that time is NOW. 

But I'm sure Lindsay Lohan is LOVING that you're taking all the negative attention away from her klepto fingers.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Fun with Funerals

Okay, I'm back.  Waddya mean, "You were gone?  Didn't notice."

I didn't actually GO anywhere but I wasn't *here* and by *here* I mean blogging.  What with my mother-in-law dying, things needed to be taken care of, the least of which was making funeral arrangements and wasn't THAT fun.  And not because we were prostrated with grief.  We were at the funeral home/conglomerate for over 4 HOURS doing paperwork because we threw the funeral home a double whammy by bringing along my father-in-law and telling them he was to be buried in the casket with my mother-in-law.  Oh, and before you get all "WHAT????" I need to clarify that my FIL died 10 years ago and it was his ashes that were to be tucked into my MIL's casket which meant a "double burial" and all the proper permits and forms and stuff had to be filled out and filed and, of course, paid for.

Then we had to get through the viewing (always a delight), the actual funeral and burial, the post-funeral reception and the hardest, most emotional part of the whole ordeal, buying Thing 2 a dress and proper shoes to wear because, despite her pleas, skinny black jeans, a black t-shirt, a black Inflight Surf Shop hoodie and Van's shoes do not constitute proper funeral attire.  Luckily, the 'Zhay had a cute simple black shift (with pockets!  That was the selling feature) and Payless had simple black suede ballet flats and she was Properly Attired.  Very, very grudgingly.  Although she KNEW she looked adorable.  In fact, her response to my, "You look adorable!" was a smug, "Obviously."  Who has self-esteem issues?  Not Her.

I could tell some interesting stories of what happened during the funeral but while my family "gets" the humor, I don't know if others would so it's best if I not tell that story here.

I know having photos in a blog post can really add something to the story but I used better judgment and refrained from whipping out my camera during this time because well, it just ain't fittin'!  Although if my Gramma was still here with us, she would have demanded I take pictures of the casket, flowers, the occupant of the casket (really), the gravesite, the hearse, and everything because if there was one thing my Gramma loved, it was a good funeral.  

So, I should be back to my regularly scheduled blogging because I know my 3 followers are going through withdrawals.