Thursday, September 2, 2010

Where's the gift receipt?

Dear Mother Nature,

We need to talk.  I understand you have a job to do and that your job description includes delivering a "gift" on a monthly basis but lately, you've been getting a little out of hand in the delivery department.

It's called a "MONTHLY" gift, not a "BI-WEEKLY" gift.  What, you're having a promotion?  Get Two "Gifts" for the price of one month?  That's mighty generous of you but you shouldn't have.  Seriously, you shouldn't have.  Getting a second "gift" in the span of 2 weeks is not what I call, well, a "gift."

And what's the deal with deciding to add in a little something extra, like HOT FLASHES?  Really?  Hot flashes at the same time?  What is this, one of those "But Wait!  There's More!" promotions?  It's bad enough with the cramps and bloating and headaches and boobs that suddenly weigh the equivalent of a 1959 Cadillac along with the sudden desire to eat a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough and the ability to turn into a rabid wolverine at the drop of a hat without adding in sudden spike of body temperatures while in the midst of a cramp attack.  I mean c'mon!  It's not like you're working for UPS and get paid by the package.  And worse, this is a gift that can't really be returned and exchanged for something better because you never include a gift receipt the way Target does.

You know how in every office there is one person who annoys everyone else because she makes an ostentatious display of just how hard she's working and how efficient she is and goes around changing everything and not for the better so that nobody knows where anything is anymore and it just creates more unnecessary work for everyone else and she's only doing it to earn suck-up points with the boss and everyone wants to just shrink-wrap her to her rolling desk chair and push her out the door and into the parking lot that just happens to be on a hill?

Yeah.  You're rapidly turning into THAT person.  So unless you want to be shrink-wrapped to your chair and shoved down a hill, KNOCK IT OFF!

Crabby McHotFlash

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Well, for the most part. 

I don't know how to embed a video so you get to just click on the link to get the awesomeness of this commercial.

Anyhoo, My darling daughter, Thing 2, who FINALLY was able to get her registration handled after last week's fiasco, went back to school today as a Sophomore.  No longer the annoying Freshman yet still not able to obtain an off-campus lunch pass because those are reserved for Juniors and Seniors only unless you know someone who can make counterfeit lunch passes.  Which was another of Thing 1's nefarious enterprises along with making counterfeit parking passes, God help me.  

So we're halfway to school when Thing 2, aka "The Dawdler" for her penchant to take forEVER to get ready in the mornings, tells me that I didn't take the traditional First Day of School picture.  Ever since Thing 1 was in kindergarten, I have always, ALWAYS taken a picture of my kids on their first day of school.  Ok, not always.  When they were in elementary school, the school took First Day photos every year and sent them home with the kids along with an urgent message to please join the PTA.  So lemme rephrase that.  I always, ALWAYS had a First Day of School picture.  And because I'm so meticulous in keeping my photos cataloged in acid free containers and by that I mean I toss them into a paper sack, I can only find one picture of my two offspring from the Elementary School years:
That was Kaylyn's first day of kindergarten and doesn't her brother look so excited to a) have his photo taken and 2) stand in close proximity to his little sister?  Yeah, that's some brotherly love right there.

So the reason I didn't get a picture of Thing 2 this morning of her first day of her Sophomore year was because, wait for it, she was dawdling and we were late getting out the door and traffic is ALWAYS a nightmare so I completely forgot.  But since she looks pretty much the same as last year, I'll just use last year's picture again.  Recycle, reuse, reduce is my motto!
Just imagine that her shirt is white instead of yellow and there ya have it.

However, I DID get a photo of Thing 1 on his first day of college although he wasn't aware I took said photo and it wasn't exactly a portrait but I think it captures his true essence:
My little college boy.  Who spent the weekend familiarizing himself with the dorms and the resident coeds and has now changed his tune from, "Why would I want to live in the dorms?  That's for losers!" to "I wish I could live in the dorms" but since we live a whopping 1/4 mile from the campus and don't have the $10K in residential fees, he gets to sleep in his own bed.  He also attended his first Frat party ("It was INSANE!") and BBQ/Mixer at the dorms and has spent every evening at the brand-spanking new State-of-the-Art Student Wellness Center with the swimming pool, jacuzzi, gym, bowling alley, volleyball courts including a Beach court, basketball courts, etc.  And best of all, students have FREE use of all the amenities.  And we like the word, "Free."

However, what's NOT Free is school supplies, including books.  And lots of them.  That's the bad part of school starting back up.  Last week, Thing 1 gave me a list of the books he needs and I ordered every single book on the list he gave me (remember that part) and they arrived on Monday.  Yesterday, he informs me that I didn't order all the books he needs and he needs them NOW and why didn't I order books that he didn't include on his list and why am I not able to read his mind and just KNOW what he needs?  What kind of a mother am I?  We went round and round arguing over his incomplete list and I was able to pull said list out of the trash and show him that, once again, I WAS RIGHT.

And Thing 2 will be coming home from her first day of school with a list of items that she HAS TO HAVE BY TOMORROW and of course we won't find everything we need at one location because by now the stores are pretty much picked clean and the cash register in my head is going Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ka-ching! and Aunt Flo decided to show up today unexpectedly and despite all that, it's still The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Note to self:  Don't forget to pick up Thing 2 from school this afternoon!