Saturday, March 26, 2011

Death by the Axe

Does it drive you nuts, the way it drives ME nuts, when people mispronounce words?

When you want to read a book, do you go to the "liberry?"  Well, *I* go to the "LiBRARY."  Because I'm weird that way.  I figure books would be at the library and berries are found at a liberry.  

Makes sense, no?

Do you know how many times I have heard a politician, who really should know better, pronounce a certain word as "NooCueLur."   Hello!  It's "NooKleeYur."  Which is why it's spelled "Nuclear" which I guess can be pronounced as "New Clear" which is pretty darn close to New Klee Year" but it is NOT a New Cue Lur.  Get it right you politicians and newspeople!

Years ago I worked with a lovely older woman whose name I cannot remember so I will call her "Betty."  Betty was one of those people who is always happy and this was her first office job and she was always cheerful and happy and eager to learn and we all just loved her.  She was a breath of fresh air in a stale office. 

There was just one problem with Betty.

Betty was always threatening to kill us.  And she was going to do it in a terrible way.

She was going to AXE us.

Everyday, she would say, "Can I axe you something?" and we'd be all, "No Betty!  Please don't axe us!  We want to live!  But if you want to ASK us something, that would be fine."

And Betty, being the wonderful lady she was despite her serial killer tendencies, would laugh and then she would ASK her question.

And we'd all breathe a sigh of relief that once again, we had escaped a horrible death.

Death by axing.

Behold a picture of me taken in 1974 where I show my intelligence by playing a game of Chess with an unknown opponent.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Someone's in Hot Water and that someone is NOT ME!

Well, that's not good.  This morning I went to take a shower after returning from my brisk morning walk with Gracie Lou and I get undressed and run the hot water in the sink so that I don't have to stand there shivering while the shower heats up.  

And I'm waiting.

And waiting.

And shivering and I stick my hand under the water and it is not hot.  It's not even all that warm.  Which is odd because the water usually gets hot in about 30-45 seconds.

Great.  Just great.

So I put on my robe and go outside to the water heater.  First, I turn on the hot water faucet of the outdoor sink just to check.  Nope.  It's Not Hot.

Then I open the door to the hot water heater closet and everything LOOKS okay but it's eerily quiet.  Usually I can hear something but not this time.  And I put my hand on the tank and it's cold, very cold.

Somehow, between 10:00pm last night when TheManTheMyth took his shower and this morning, our 3 year old hot water heater decided to quit.  Didn't even give 2 weeks notice.  Just up and quit. 

I'm not going to go and try to light the Pilot Light, which I'm pretty sure is out because I didn't see nor hear it, because when it comes to lighting things that contain gas and flames, I'm a scaredy cat.  With good reason.

When I was in high school, we had a gas barbecue that was hooked up to the gas line of our house.  And we used that barbecue almost every day because it was so easy to use.  All you had to do to light it was turn the gas lever to ON and stick a lighted match in the little hole in the side.

Well one time, I could not get the match lit.  I must have tried lighting a half dozen of these wooden stick matches and they would not light.  And all this time, the gas has been on.

I finally got a match lit, bent down to stick the match in the hole and BOOM!

Half of the hair on one side of my head closest to the barbecue was singed and I think I lost part of my eyebrow.  And everything stunk like burning hair.

I screamed and ran straight for the shower, pouring half a bottle of conditioner on my head in a failed attempt to keep my hair from looking like a Brillo pad.

Ever since then, I've had a healthy fear of pilot lights.

So now I have a good excuse as to why the dishes aren't done.  Although I'm pretty sure TheManTheMyth will point out that if I would have done them last night after dinner, it wouldn't be a problem.

He always manages to find a way to beat me at my own game.

And now, this has nothing to do with anything but I leave you with an amusing photo that was taken somewhere on Easter Sunday circa 1970.
The three of us are wearing matching pantsuits that consisted of a polka dot blouse worn under a jumper with a HUGE belt and the jumper was worn over some rockin' bell bottom pants.  We were Stylin'!

And yes, be jealous that I had a Mrs. Beasley Doll.

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Doors of Perception. Of what's on my fridge

This morning I had an epiphany that what my 2 readers REALLY wanted to see/read about today was (drum roll please):


Okay, I totally stole the idea from June but hey, sometimes my train of thought leaves the station without me when it comes to blog fodder and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

So without further ado, let's look at What's On My Fridge:
In the upper left corner is a magnet of a hockey puck with the name of one of Thing 2's hockey teams from oh, about 5 years ago.  I do not know why it's still there.

Below that is a magnet of a Black Lab that looks exactly like my beloved Lucy (May She Rest in Peace.  In my Curio Cabinet/Columbarium).  Which is why it's still there.  Everytime I get something out of the freezer (vodka), I am reminded of my Lucy.  Who I still miss every day.

Next to Lucy are Thing 2's report cards.  4 A's, 2 B's.  Which put her on the Principal's Honor Roll for having a 3.5 and above GPA.  Which means she gets to sleep in the house.  For now.

Now let's take a gander at the other side, shall we?
 There's a lovely note to Thing 2 from one of her favorite middle school teachers which is held by a Chester Cheetah magnet clip.  I have no idea where that magnet clip came from.

Next to the note is a photo of Thing 2 taken by her orthodontist the day she got her braces off.

Next to that is an invitation Thing 1 received when Warden Threw a Party at the Santa Barbara County Jail over Halloween weekend.  All charges were dropped but I keep the citation up there so that Thing 1 is reminded of his drunk and stupid actions every time he opens the fridge.

Below that is the 2009 Christmas Card from my dear friend Bubbles.  I have no idea why I still have it up there but why rush to take it down, I ask.  It's held up by a Dominos Pizza magnet.  I know the phone number by heart, I don't need to read the magnet whenever I want to order pizza.
Next to the 2009 Christmas Card from Bubbles und familia (see how multi-lingual I am?) is a notice from Thing 2's school telling us we have to get her a whooping cough booster shot before she can start school in the fall.  

So that concludes the tour of the doors of my refrigerator.  I hope you enjoyed it.  Maybe next time we can do a tour of the contents.  I know, the excitement never ends here.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Spring has sprung. A leak.

Today is the first day of Spring and when one thinks of Spring, one thinks of flowers blooming, 
 birds singing and it's a Sunshine Day (everybody's smiling!).

Well not today.

Today, it's cold.  And storming.  And cold.  And blowing like a hurricane.  Which is quite different from rocking like a hurricane.  And did I mention it's cold?  Yeah, yeah, how cold does it get in coastal Southern California?  I mean, it's not like we're getting hit with blizzards and sub-zero temperatures but when one is used to having the best climate in the country, this kind of weather throws one out of whack.

 Does that look all Spring-like?  I think not.

The trees on our street are 50+ years old and diseased
and have a tendency to come crashing down in stormy weather.  One time, I had been parked out front and I had to go to the store.  I got in my car and pulled away from the curb and looked in my rear view mirror just in time to see a massive limb come crashing down right where I had just been parked.

I'm totally expecting another tree to come crashing down at one point during this storm which is supposed to really hit hard sometime tonight.  Goody.

And I'm keeping an eye on one of the palm trees in the backyard because it's leaning like a drunken frat boy on St. Patrick's Day

Gracie is all upset and freaked out about the storm:

I last heard from the menfolk around 9:00am Friday morning, 3 hours after they had been on the road but another racer let me know that they did finally arrive in Idaho, late Saturday afternoon.  What was supposed to have been a 15 hour trip turned into the trip from Hell and it took them over 30 hours to get to their destination.  I don't know all the details but I guess a wheel came off the trailer at one point and this was after they had to get new tires for the trailer after only 90 miles into the trip.  

When TheManTheMyth had told me the night before they left that he was apprehensive about making this drive with these other people, who he didn't know very well (at all, actually) I told him to look at it as an Adventure, that he will probably have stories to tell around campfires and it'll be Fun!

Yeah.  FUN.

Okay, I just heard a loud THUD outside.  Gotta go.