Thursday, July 1, 2010

I'm not stoned, I'm stupid!

I'll admit, sometimes I'm as dense as pudding.  As dense as drywall compound.  As dense as concrete.  Let's face it, I can't see the forest for the trees.

Case in point:  I was working as a receptionist for a direct mail company.  Lots of phone calls in those days before automated voice systems and the switchboard was very tricky but I was damn good at it, always have been a fantastic receptionist if I do say so myself and well lookey there, I did say so myself.  

Ahem.  Anyway, I had been working as a receptionist for this company for a few months when the head of another department stopped at the front desk to ask how I was doing, how did I like working for the company and did I know there was an opening in her department?  I did know because I had to sort through the applications, administer tests to the applicants who came in for interviews (most of them them failed the tests all applicants were given.  Sad) and report back to Human Resources with my impressions of the applicants.  Obviously, they thought I had a brain and valued my opinion.  Department Head asked if I had given any thought to this position my ownself because she thought I was perfect for the job.

And dumb, box o' rocks me said no, I was fine and happy where I was, answering phones, opening mail, greeting visitors.  Yeah, Executive Washroom, here I come!

HELLO???  She was offering me a promotion with a higher salary and I declined.  Because I'm stupid.  The other people from that department took me to lunch about a week later and smacked me with a clue by four and I reconsidered and accepted the position that was being handed to me on a platter.

So yes, I'm clueless.

Back at Christmastime, TheManTheMyth and I were watching TV and the commercial for the Kindle came on and he asked me to explain what the Kindle was/is and I did and he asked me if that was something I'd be interested in for Christmas?

And I, the ardent bibliophile, the person who has books littering and cluttering up the house, the person who is usually reading 3 or 4 books at one time (one for reading in bed, one for reading in my car when waiting to pick up Thing 2 from school, one in the living room, one in the bathroom) said, "Nah, I don't think it's something I really need."

Cheezus Christ on a Cracker, how dumb could I be?  TheManTheMyth even looked at me like, "Are you stoned or just stupid?"

Obviously, since I haven't done drugs in a decade or two, I was stupid.  And now, now that I realize why yes, I do indeed want a Kindle, a Kindle would be FABULOUS, a Kindle would make my reading so much more convenient and bring Joy to my life, funds are pretty tight on account of work being very slow, again, and every spare cent is needed for things like food, mortgages and health insurance.  Even a used Kindle is not feasible at this time, unless I sell some plasma or my dried up 47 year old eggs or something.

Maybe THIS Chrismas, when TheManTheMyth asks if I want a Kindle, I won't be so stupid as to refuse.

But don't count on it.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Entitlement AND Brilliance is Brilliant!

Ok, so I got this e-mail (for some strange reason it went into my SPAM folder.  Weird, huh?) and how did I not know about this?  I can just go out and buy stuff on credit all willy-nilly and then just walk away without ever actually paying for my new stuff.  And by claiming that it was the fault of someone else and their actions, I am ENTITLED to a new Social Security Number and a Brand New Credit Report.  And, it's "discrete."  Which means nobody will find out. We can keep it on the down low and not involve those pesky governmental agencies.  They don't need to stick their noses in my financial dealings.

Of course this is all 100% completely legal.  Isn't it?  I mean, it's on the Internet so it HAS to be legal.  Right?

So I'm all,"Suh-weet!  Where are the credit cards?  Lemme at 'em!"

Did you know that you are entitled (I love having a sense of Entitlement!) to a NEW Social Security Number? (Using names they got from the residents of the local cemetery, I'm sure.)
  • Brand New Credit Report
  • Write Off All Previous Accounts
  • New Start from Scratch
  • 100% Discrete
If you have negative credit (I prefer positive credit and like to give credit where credit is due, in a positive, not negative manner) because of someone else's actions (yeah, like the actions of those credit card companies who were stupid enough to give 5 figure credit limits) - you are entitled to a new SSN. (You just have to change your name to Myrtle Farkus) Find out details by contacting us today!  
Click Here to Get More Information
Call 1 (888) 400-1252 
(You will be asked to give your current SSN, your mother's maiden name and the name of your first pet so that they can make sure you're really you and they can take care of your credit problems.  Trust them.  They know what they're doing.)

After my shopping spree, I'll just claim that Someone Else convinced me it was ok so it's not my fault and I can claim my new Social Security Number that I'm entitled to and I can start all over again!  And again!  And again!  Don't be jealous.

$ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $

In other financial news, my son, my blond son, found out the hard way that when you withdraw money out of your bank account, your balance goes down because the bank does not automatically replenish the money.  I know, crazy, right!  He simply could not understand how, if he had X dollars 5 days ago and withdrew Y and Z dollars over the course of the last few days, did he only have O dollars left in his account.  He was positive the bank was up to some shifty shenanigans.  So I got out my trusty calculator and a pencil and paper and by demonstrating my incredible mathematical skills, I was able to show him how subtraction works.  My brilliance is Brilliant, I tell you!  And mind-boggling, too! 

So Blond Thing 1 finally acknowledges that the balance in his bank account is correct, that the only person stealing his money is himself.  He's not happy but he now understands.  And I'm trying to understand how he got A's in math all through high school.  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some credit cards that are begging to be maxed out and a new Social Security Number waiting for me to go along with my sense of Entitlement that I'm Entitled to.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Agony of Defeat

So, Thing 2 has been playing roller hockey for, I dunno, 7 or 8 years now.  The hockey season is, well, seasonal with Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall sessions.  Her various teams have gone on to the Championship game five times and five times she has walked skated away with the Second Place trophy.
I don't have photos from three of the games because for several years, I didn't have a camera that actually worked so just picture these pictures three more times and you get the idea.

So, this season, the Spring 2010 season, She gets on a team and within 2 hours after the first game, she is traded to a different team.  With a coach she's had issues with previously.  And because I'm one of those helicopter parents who thinks whatever her kid wants her kid should have, I demanded to the management that she get placed with a coach who will tell her how fabulous she is and that she can do no wrong.  Oh.  Wait.  I didn't do that.  Because I'm not one of those idiot parents.  I gave her a choice:  play with this coach or don't play at all.  She chose to play (and I use the term loosely) and her coach alternated between screaming at her and complimenting her.  And for the first time in her career, she went an entire season without ever scoring a single goal, although she had several assists.

Anyway, her team finished the regular season in 1st place, won in playoffs so guess who was going to the Championship game for the SIXTH time?  Sixth time's the charm, right?

Or not.

Her team got on the board first and then completely fell apart.  They couldn't get that puck anywhere near the net if their lives depended on it but their opponents didn't have a problem.  I thought we were going to have a Mercy, which happens when a team gets a 10 point lead and then the game is OVER, even if it's in the 2nd period.  That didn't happen but it was close.  Final score: Penguins 2, Rangers 10.  Ouch.

So, once again, Thing 2 gets her 2nd Place trophy which joins the other 5 in her trophy case.  
Who is thrilled with her trophy?  Not Kaylyn.  And who happily posed for pictures?  Not Kaylyn.  I had to take this one while walking backwards while she skated towards the locker room.
 Kaylyn and her Number One Fan, Sean.

And based on her admittedly lackluster performance this season ("I'm just not FEELING it this season."  Really?  I hadn't noticed.  Oh.  Wait.), I think it's time to hang up the skates for the summer.