I successfully resist attempts from a cult to brainwash me

Okay, so I was straightening up the house (was too!) and found a pile of junk mail that was hidden under some stuff which was on top of some other stuff and there was an envelope of direct mail ads which was sent by a company that, ironically, I was fired from 20 years ago which sent me spiraling into a 6 month depression because of the trauma.  Of being fired and not the finding of the envelope I mean.

Anyhoo, I decided to look through the ads to see if there was anything of interest and why yes, yes there was:

I don't care how much this "church" sputters and screams in denial but *I* know and *you* know that Scientology is a cult.  Sandy.


Years ago, I was sitting happily in my apartment, probably drinking a beer, when there was a knock at the door and some unknown female is standing there.  I'm thinking she's selling something and tell her I'm not buying anything but she wants to talk to me about how I can become a better person.  And I'm all "no thanks, I'm just fine the way I am" as I belch from my Coors Light and before I can raise my can to my lips for my next guzzle, this person opens the screen door and walks right into my house, uninvited and I'm all, "Uh, what are you doing?" and she's all, "I just want to talk to you about reaching your fullest potential" and I'm all, "get out!" and she's all, "No really!  We can help you!" and I'm all, "No.  I mean, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" and she's all, "Don't you want to become a better person?  All you have to do is take this ridiculously expensive audit personality quiz and then we'll show you your strengths and weaknesses and help you reach your most cherished goals at the cost of thousands of dollars and multiple brainwashing techniques.  


No thanks, I'll pass.


I mean, do I LOOK like I need improvement:

Again, cameras are not my friend.  You see, I'm stalked by a malevolent entity that possesses any camera that takes my photo.  She wears the EXACT SAME THING I'm wearing but while I'm stunningly beautiful, this entity is Not and exchanges her photo for mine.


I'm sure it's yet another Scientology scheme to lure unsuspecting people into their cult.

Because other than my inability to accessorize, I'm like Mary Poppins:  Practically perfect in every way.