Wednesday, October 21, 2009

That $%&*#! Vacuum

Back in January, Thing 2 and I had a Girl's Night Out, which means we went to a hockey game (Red Wings (boohiss) vs Ducks) because in OUR family, it's the girls who are the hockey fans. TheManTheMyth and Thing 1 are Not. The following is the story of what happened when we got home from our game:

Thing 1 is waiting up for us and immediately informed me that I should NEVER leave Daddy home by himself at night (Technically, he wasn't home "alone" because Thing 1 was home but sequestered in his cave of a room but let's not quibble over minor details). Why shouldn't TheManTheMyth be left home alone at night, you ask? Here's a good reason: A vacuum salesman came to the door and asked if he could demonstrate the Super Incredible, Magnificent and Fabulous Kirby Sentria Vacuum System

This thing slices and dices, will trim your hair, cut through a cinderblock and clean a fish! Ok, not really but notice it comes with all sorts of attachments to make your Cleaning a Whole Lot Easier!

Thing 1 tells me that the demonstration was easily the most incredible thing he had ever witnessed (take THAT, Sham-wow!) and that the Kirby totally blew my dependable Dirt Devil bagless vacuum clean out of the water.

I look at Thing 1 and wait for the punch line. He tells me to turn around and look. Look at my brand-new vacuum.

Turns out that TheManTheMyth was also impressed. So much was he impressed that he bought it. He bought the vacuum. He bought the ELEVEN HUNDRED DOLLAR VACUUM. That's right, $1,100.00. American money.

I must admit that the suction power on this thing is beyond fabulous. Seriously, it's that good. And I must admit something else:

I hate it. I hate that vacuum. I hate that vacuum with the heat of a thousand suns.

Why do I hate it? Here's why I hate it, in no particular order:
- It weighs a friggin' ton. Schlepping that sucker from room to room is a pain in the ass. It's so heavy and cumbersome it careens around corners and comes at you like an out-of-control locomotive.
- It requires vacuum bags. I hate having to deal with vacuum bags. Because of the amount of dog hair that has to be vacuumed up, the bag starts to smell almost immediately even though it's not even halfway full. So unless I want to smell the stench, I have to empty an almost empty bag way too frequently. So I'm going through vacuum bags like crazy and these bags aren't cheap. Vacuum bags are the #1 reason I had (Keyword: HAD) a Bagless vacuum.
- It's LOUD. Seriously loud. We're talking jet-engine loud. I've missed phone calls, people at the door, Lucy barking because someone's knocking on the door, gunshots, fighter jets flying overhead and cannon fire because I can't hear it over the sound of the vacuum.

But the biggest reason I hatehatehate this vacuum is because if I want to switch from vacuuming my hardwood floors to vacuuming the Oriental Rug in the living room, I have to turn the vacuum on its back, unhook the hose attachment, get the carpet attachment out and attempt to attach the carpet attachment exactly right or it won't work. Attaching the carpet attachment means you have crank a knob, hook the attachment onto the hooks Just So, crank the knob that attaches the fan belt, flip a lever to lock it in place, flip the cover down and hoist the vacuum back upright. But if you don't do it exactly perfect, and I NEVER do, then the second you turn on the vacuum the stench of burning rubber fills the room because the fan belt has slipped off and fat chance of getting it back in place. Which just happened. Again. It happens Every. Single. Time.

So now the vacuum, that %^&*! vacuum, is laying dead on my living room floor, again,

because the fan belt has slipped off, again, and I can't seem to dig it out from deep within the bowels of the carpet attachment. And there the vacuum will lay until TheManTheMyth comes home from work and he can fix HIS vacuum which cost as much as TWO Dyson Animal Ball vacuums, which are bagless I might add. The way vacuums should be.

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