Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Whatever you're selling, I don't want it. Unless you're a Girl Scout. Or Jason Statham.

It seems as if once a week, sometimes several times a week, someone will knock on my door in an attemtp to sell me something I do not want nor need.  Except for Girl Scout cookies.  For the first time in YEARS, a Real Live Girl Scout knocked on our door the other day and wanted to know if we wanted to buy some cookies.

Is this a trick question?  Does the Pope shit in the woods?  Are bears Catholic?  Wait.  That didn't come out right.  Anyway, the correct answer to "Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?" is a resounding and enthusiastic "You bet your ass!"

Unfortunately, most of the time the person knocking on my door trying to sell me something is Not an always-welcome Girl Scout.  One time, it was a vacuum cleaner sales guy.  Who found a willing sucker customer in TheManTheMyth to buy an extremely overpriced Kirby vacuum that I hate with every fiber of my being.  You can read the whole story HERE.  Yeah, I'm still bitter about THAT.  We try not to leave TMTM home alone any more.

This past weekend, I was doing some housework (was too!) when someone started POUNDING on the door.  I looked through the little peephole and didn't see anyone and started to walk away when I caught movement off to the side of the porch so I opened the door and see this woman lurking in the corner of the porch and she is completely bundled up in several layers of clothing, including multiple coats, hats, scarves and gloves.  She's clearly one of the transients that are always moving through the area.  She holds up a couple of bags of hard candy like the cheap kind that you buy to fill a pinata and in a mumbled voice asks if I want to buy some candy.  Um, no.  Then she asks if I want to donate a couple of bucks.  Um, no.  She turns and shuffles back down the steps and I shut the door.

We also tend to get "Home Improvement" representatives that are offering services for low, low prices.  Even when I tell them that TheManTheMyth is a Real Live General Contractor, they STILL try to convince me to hire them to do whatever home improvement project.  They will argue that their prices are very competitive and don't seem to comprehend when I ask if they will do the work for Free because that's the only way they can give me a better price than what TMTM costs to do the job himself.

Yesterday, I finally found a way to send them on their way in a polite yet firm manner.  And I have to thank the guy who tried to sell me some home improvement services for it.  He started his spiel with an assurance that he was licensed and had a copy of a business license and a lightbulb went off in my head and I stopped him and asked if he would like to see MY business license along with a California's Contractor's License.  

That took care of THAT right there.  

I wonder if that will work for the "Religious Salesmen" that are ALWAYS coming around?  I can just picture it:

Religion Pusher:  Hello, I'd like to talk to you about having a Personal Relationship with Jesus Christ.

Me:  Would you like to see my business license?

Religion Pusher:  What?

Me:  What about my AMA District 37 Offroad Competition Desert Racing License?  Wanna see that? 

Religion Pusher:  Um, no thank you.  I'd really like to talk to you...

Me:  Hey, would you like an autographed poster of National Hare & Hound Rider N12x?  I can go wake him up for you!

Religion Pusher:  No, no, that's okay, why don't I just leave some pamphlets and a copy of The Watchtower for you to read?

Me:  Wait!  Wanna see some hot photos of Jason Statham?  I'd sure like to have a Personal Relationship with Him wink wink nudge nudge.

I totally think this will work.


  1. I was waiting for the Jehovah Witnesses to appear (in your post, not at my door). Great strategy!

  2. I am overcome by your ingenuity and funny bits to boot. Love 'ya, Kelly.

  3. Or, follow this script:

    JERRY: [phone rings] Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.

    TEL: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.

    JERRY: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.

    TEL: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.

    JERRY: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

    TEL: No.

    JERRY: Well now you know how I feel. [Hangs up]

  4. Love your strategy. It's bound to work! The Kirby people came here under the pretense of a "free carpet cleaning" (why, yes, I am stupid, why?) and HELD MY FAMILY HOSTAGE for 4 hours.

    Also, (mumbles fast) I once briefly worked as a tele-marketer (it was in college, I was experimenting with a lot of things then ...) Anyhoo, the best thing to do is simply hang up. They have a whole list of numbers to get through and polite people who feel obligated to listen just waste their time.

    Kelly, I am lovin' the blog!