Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I survived 4th of July and why I would be a TERRIBLE juror

Let me begin by saying I survived 4th of July 2011.  It was a tough job but someone had to do it.

Actually, it was a piece of cake because ya wanna know what I did to celebrate our Glorious Nation's Independence Day?

Nuthin'.  I did nuthin'.

Oh, I don't mean I sat in a trance-like state for hours and hours on end.  I mean I did nothing special or celebratory.  No BBQing with friends and mass quantities of alcohol, no lighting of fireworks, no waving of sparklers, no battling traffic to get to the beach, no driving anywhere so I could see spectacular displays of pyrotechnics.

Because who knows how to party?

Not this gal.  At least, not any more.

I used to, though.  There used to be a time where it wasn't considered a successful July 4th unless July 5th was spent suffering from epic hangovers, various burns and mystery bruises.  Among other things.  Things that may or may not have included the words, "Uh, Who are you?" or, "What the hell did I DO last night?" or "Dude, where's my car?"

Good times.

Nope, them days are gone for me.  And I don't miss them because I have become a cranky old lady who does not find enjoyment in drunken shenanigans any more.

So I spent the 4th doing housework, taking Gracie Lou for walks and watching the "BBQ Pitmasters" marathon on TV.  Which was a stupid thing to do because I was STARVING when I was watching.  

"Never watch food shows when you're hungry" is a rule to go along with "Never go the the supermarket when you're hungry or you will come home with Scooterpies, Bugles and Soda."  Don't ask me how I know this.

I'm still craving BBQ today.  So guess what's for dinner tonight?  Spaghetti.  

I will probably never be picked to serve on a jury.  Because every time (okay, once) I've been told to report to a courtroom for selection, I've admitted that it would be 99.9% impossible to keep my piehole shut and not discuss the case.  I can't keep a secret so why would I keep quiet about a criminal case?  Please.

Anyway, it's probably a good thing I won't be serving on a jury any time soon, especially after being dumbfounded by the Casey Anthony verdict of Not Guilty.  It would be very difficult for me to separate my personal feelings (THAT BITCH KILLED HER DAUGHTER!) from the legal aspects of "Did the defense provide Reasonable Doubt?"

And it would be difficult for me to focus on trivial things like Evidence when I'm thinking to myself, "That lawyer is a assbag douchecanoe and where did he/she get that suit and those shoes!  Sheesh!" and then during boring segments keeping my mind from wandering toward things like "I hope Teemu Selanne doesn't retire" and "Pulled pork and fried dill pickles sound so good right now!" and "I hope there's another season of 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding!'"

Because that's how I roll.

God Bless America.


  1. Kelly Pie, I am your biggest fan.

  2. Douchecanoe. Totally stealing that.

  3. I loves ya' too.

    And I can't serve on juries either because everyone knows I would give the death penalty to anyone who spits on the floor....or is that not an arrestable offense? Never mind....I know how to handle it.

  4. She's totally guilty! I think the jury got P.O.d at being sequestered for so long and had unrealistic expectations about evidence. Like you I was dumbfounded! Makes me sick!!
    The one time I got called for Jury duty, I had to sit in a tiny room with the attorneys and the defendant. It was like looking into the eyes of the devil-he had killed about four people that they knew of. I was 21 at the time and it scared me so badly I went home and barfed for two days. My mom had to have our doctor write a letter for me, after she called the judge and told them what happened. They ended up excusing me.

  5. You know I live here, a town right around the corner from the baby killer.

    My detective friend told me from the get go they were going to give a false release date because there will be people outside the jail ready to lynch her. I've never been more for a lynching in my life.

    We actually were in a restaurant the other day that had a handmade sign in the window stating Casey Anthony jurors would not be served. It's a town filled with rage right now.

    I just keep comforting myself with the fact that there's a mightier judge waiting for her and He doesn't have a jury.