Because I know how much people live for my tidbits of wisdom and observances.
- The next wedding I attend, even if it's a backyard barbecue with a knocked up bride wearing a camouflage wedding dress, I WILL wear an English Wedding Hat. And gloves.
- Here's hoping HRH Duchess Catherine of Cambridge's wedding dress will finally, FINALLY put an end to the strapless wedding dress craze that is flattering on maybe 2% of the brides out there. Let's bring sleeves back!
- I don't want to see Osama bin Laden's death portrait because, well, ewww. But I DO want to see his death certificate. The long version. Not the one the state issues so you can be buried at sea. Otherwise I just won't believe he's not just merely dead but really most sincerely dead.
- And I'm being totally sarcastic about the death certificate. Because my name is not Donald Trump. Or Sarah Palin. Or any of the idiot "birthers." Or "Deathers"or whatever stupid-ass name they call themselves.
- Because really, what a bunch of goddamn whackjobs.
- C'mon SiriusXM radio! Why'dja have to go and change the channel lineup numbers? Admit, you just want to fuck with your customers. I'm still pissed that you got rid of the Old School punk station, Fungus 53. Bastards.
- I'd really like to know who the people are on Facebook who come up with those "REPOST THIS AS YOUR STATUS IF YOU AGREE!" things. And the reason I'd like to know who they are is so I can bitchslap them.
- Ditto for those who somehow have the idea that if you DON'T repost whatever as your status, you're not a patriot and you hate your mother and you don't really WANT to find a cure for breast cancer because everyone knows that when you post the color of your bra or purse as your status, it's one step closer to finding a cure for cancer. HOW that works, I don't know but people seem to think that's all it takes. All righty then.
- If I get one more call from the Long Beach Press Telegram about my subscription, I will go all postal on them. And you get to read my rant about it RIGHT NOW (lucky you!):
In the Fall of 2010, and by "Fall" I mean Autumn, November-ish, I get a phone call from the subscription department of the Long Beach Blab. Seems there's a great offer where you get a year's subscription for the price of a 90 day subscription and I said, "Sign me up!" and we did it over the phone using my debit card. Woo-hoo! I thought. A week later, I get a bill. A week after THAT, I get another bill. Then another bill. And another. Basically, I received a bill from the Long Beach Press Telegram every. fucking. week.
I ignored those bills because *I* had paid for a year's subscription. About a month ago, my paper stopped being delivered. And then the phone calls started about how I was delinquent and until I paid my back subscription, I would no longer receive my paper.
Whoa whoa whoa, says I. How, I ask, can I be delinquent when I paid for an entire year's subscription and it's been maybe 6 months. What the hell, Press Telegram people!
The LBPT people hem and haw and apologize and tell me that there seems to be a mix up and they're sorry and they'll make a note in "my file." A "file" that must be at least 6 inches thick because lemme tell you, I've had issues (pun intended) with this paper since it was sold to some big newspaper conglomerate.
Anyhoo. I still continued to NOT receive my paper and I still continued to receive a bill week after week after week and I still continued to receive phone calls.
And then yesterday, I get a collection notice.
Oh no they di'in't!
So I immediately call the number on the collection notice, spend 15 minutes on hold and then finally speak to a real live person. I explain the totally fucked up situation (Okay, I may have yelled and used a bit of profanity) and he apologizes and says he will note that the debt is in error and he also says I'm not the 1st person to complain about the LBPT's subscription screw up.
I thank "Scott" and I'm all, "Whew! I'm glad THAT'S over with!" even though I totally got screwed because I paid for something I didn't get but whatever.
Then, while I was making dinner, the phone rings. And by golly it's the collection agency calling to discuss my debt to the Long Beach Press Telegram and how would I like to pay said debt.
Oh no they di'in't!
You'll be shocked to learn that profanity WAS used along with threats to file a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission.
The female at the other end of the line was very apologetic and said she had made an error, that she now read where "Scott" had taken care of the matter and blah blah blah.
How much do you want to bet I'll be getting a call in the next few days from the Long Beach Press Telegram asking if I'm interested in renewing my subscription?
I'll probably just end up in a faint: