Friday, May 7, 2010

Chew on this

This is a two part narrative.  Part One of the Two Part Narrative on Chewing: 

So last night, in the middle of the night, I got up to, uh, use the facilities and noticed there was a light coming from down the hall.  The light flickered and I realized it was a TV and I thought that Thing 2 was either watching TV in the middle of the night or she fell asleep with the TV on which would have been odd because even though she is almost 15, she insists that I figuratively tuck her in to bed every night.  This means turning off her TV, taking off her glasses, giving her a hug and kiss and telling her "Happy Thoughts and Happy Dreams" as she climbs the ladder into her loft bed.  Even on weekends when she can stay up late and I'm going to bed before she does, I have to perform this ritual.

Anyway.  I deduced that the TV that was on in the middle of the night wasn't her TV and I continued down the hall to find the TV in the living room on with nobody watching it.  Since I was the person to turn off the TV and all the lights when I went to bed, I thought this was strange and wondered how the TV had turned on.  I looked down and found my answer:
Yeah, that was the remote to the TV and notice the chew marks right about where the Power button is located.  I don't know if Gracie was bored and went looking for Animal Planet in the middle of the night but I was Not Amused that she chewed up yet another TV remote.

Fast forward to 6:00am, when our little alarm clock jumps on the bed and gets all "Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!" on me.  I noticed that Gracie was a bit hesitant to follow me out to the living room when normally she's jumping in excited anticipation of her breakfast.  But no, she stayed in the bedroom which instantly made me suspicious and I started looking for Evidence.  I found it:
This is the second pair of earbuds she has destroyed this week.  I keep telling the kids, if you don't want her to destroy something, don't leave anything where she can get it.

So I get Gracie's breakfast and after she eats, she comes and lays down on the floor in front of the couch.  She's still acting suspicious but I can't see anything.  However, I do notice that there are some crumb-type of things on the couch but I don't recognize them and assume that she was eating one of her doggy treats on the couch.  She gets up and I see what she had been eating.  It wasn't a doggy treat.  It was a First Edition biography of Queen Mary that I had been reading and had left on the couch when I went to bed:
For reasons I don't know, Miss Gracie Lou has decided to do some Nocturnal Destruction of Personal Property instead of sleeping like a good little dog.  The death toll now stands at 2 TV remotes, 2 sets of iPod earbuds, 3 visors and 1 First Edition book.  Obviously, I now have to do a reconnaissance and sweep the areas clean of anything chewable before I go to bed from now on.

Part Two of the Two Part Narrative on Chewing. 

At the park on our morning walk, we're walking along when Gracie squats and does her business.  Being a Good Dog Owner who cleans up after her dog, I scooped up the pile and we headed to the nearest trash can to deposit the bag o' poo.  There happened to be several geese loitering in the vicinity of the trash can but I (foolishly) felt I could get to the trashcan before they would notice me.  I was SO wrong.

As Gracie and I approach the trashcan, 2 of the geese took exception to the fact that we were trespassing on their turf and they got all up in my face about it, flapping their wings and hissing and honking.  I start giggling nervously but continue toward the trashcan when those fuckers attacked!  They came at me biting and hissing and I'm start screaming and flailing the bag o' poo at them and they are so not afraid of me, my bag o' poo OR my little dog, too.  I say, "screw this!" and turn tail to run for my very life when Gracie decides to run in between my legs and trip me with the cord of her leash and I fall on my butt and the geese are nipping and biting and I'm screaming and flailing and Gracie is all tangled up in my legs and I'm all "Dude whose side are you on here?" and the other geese are just standing there watching and laughing and high-fiving each other and the squirrels who had come down from the trees to watch the fun and I'm on my hands and knees crawling as fast as I could until I could get untangled and I finally get to my feet and run away with the geese in hot pursuit and I'm thinking, "why am I a chew toy for geese?" and Gracie is all, "That was fun!  Let's do it again!" as she tries to run back to the geese and I'm all Get Me the Fuck Out of Here.

I would have taken photos of these gangbangin' geese but I was too busy running for my life to get my phone out and tell them "Strike a pose for my blog, yo!"

And people say I live a dull life.


  1. Love your dull life. Thanks for the smiles.

  2. I hate geese with all my life. They are just like a vicious gang. They really are. I hope you weren't too traumatized.

    And as for the chewing, you know I have some of those kind of stories.

    A couple of nights ago, the 2 oldest girls had a fight, bc the one girl was wearing the other ones sandals. I resolved it by telling the sister to let the other sister wear the sandals if she promised to take good care of them. We're all about the sharing here. Or at least I'm trying to get us all about the sharing.

    Well, wouldn't you know, the sister just slid them off her feet when she got home and the next morning I came out to a corpse of a sandal thanks to the moron twins.

    Last night, we went to dinner and only my youngest girl came with us. She loves stuffed animals and her favorite is this beautiful llama made out of alpaca that I bought her at a farmer's market in San Francisco. And it wasn't cheap. We came home from dinner to llama limbs and alpaca fluff everywhere. They had climbed on her bed to get that one. She cried herself to sleep.

    Still hating dogs.

  3. Thanks so much for the giggle. When we got our lab she ate the twinkle lights off the iron railings, consumed half the siding off our house and once ate a billion pieces of water balloons.

    We're hoping she's finished with that now.

  4. That is the funniest thing I have read today!!!!

  5. Not laughin

    oh okay, I'm laughing