Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Danger is (not) my Middle Name

If you've ever had to put something together, whether it's a toy for your kids, a piece of furniture or even a meal, then you know you have to read the directions so that you know what you're doing and so that the finished product won't come out looking like a disaster zone.

One time, I put together a bookcase all by my lonesome just by reading the directions.  Wait.  Scratch that.  I didn't "read" the directions because the directions were all diagrams and pictures.  Yeah, it took me all morning and yeah, I smashed a finger and had to kick the parts of the bookcase to show it how pissed off I was that things weren't coming together as smoothly as I had hoped but when I finished putting everything together and placed the bookcase in its spot and filled it with books, I felt all smug and proud of doing something that any half-wit could do but then again, I'm not "handy" so this was a Big Deal for me so cut me some slack, Jack!  Here's the fruits of my labor:

Yeah, I know, big whoop.  A couple of screws, a couple of wooden pegs and an Allen wrench.  A monkey could have done it.

The worst directions, even more stupid and useless are the kind of directions that were on the Thai Peanut Noodles I made for lunch.  I've never made these before and I skimmed over the directions on the back of the box:

Step 1:  Remove all envelopes from carton.  Add 1 cup water to carton (in tiny letters to inside fill line). And FYI, the fill line was on the OUTSIDE of the carton. 

Step 2:  Except for peanuts, add contents of all envelopes to carton.

Step 3:  Make sure you put the sauce in first.

Now hold it right there! You can't list the instructions out of order!  You'll have a disaster on your hands and there'll be anarchy in the streets!  It's just wrong!

There was an episode of M*A*S*H* where an unexploded bomb landed in camp and Hawkeye and Trapper John attempted to diffuse it.  The directions they had said something like "Step 1:  Cut the blue wire in half.  Step 2:  But not before you do A B & C or else the bomb will detonate."

I guess a more intelligent person than myself, and yes there are a couple of them out there in the world but only a couple, would have read all the directions completely before just tossing the water, which wasn't enough by the way, noodles and sauce all willy-nilly into the carton and then nuking it for the time suggested.  Which I did not.  Read the directions all the way through, I mean.  Because I like to live on the edge.  It's how I roll.  Danger is my middle name.  Ok, it's not really.  It's actually Elizabeth.  Heck, the priests at St. Hedwig's wouldn't even allow my parents to have me christened as "Kelly" when I was a baby because that was not a female saint's name and I had to be christened by my middle name and can you imagine the uproar if my parents had named me "Kelly Danger Perkins?"  Especially since I was not exactly what you'd call a Daredevil when I was a kid.  I was more of a wuss.  I saved my Living Life on the Edge escapades for when I in my 20's and older.

So anyway, my Thai Peanut Noodles that I made?  They came out pretty good despite my not following directions.  Although a cup of water (to the outside fill line) was not enough. Next time I make these, I'm adding more water even though it's not on the directions.

See, I told you I like to live life on the edge.


  1. What a wild woman! Next you're going to tell us you clip the tags off your mattress. I don't know if I have what it takes to hang with a WYLD N CRAAAAZY chick like you!

  2. I admire your talents. I don't even know what an Allen wrench is! Seriously, I can't put anything together.

    And as for the Thai noodles, were they from an Asian country, because when their directions are translated into English, the results can be pretty hysterical and wrong at times.

  3. qandlequeen, I've done some wild and crazy things in my misspent youth and even into my 40's but clipping the tags off of mattresses? Well, I'm just not that hardened of a criminal. Yet. It's on my Bucket List, though.

    Joann, I felt all Tim Taylor-ish as I was messin' with them Allen wrenches. The only thing missing was a tool belt.

  4. My general rule...throw out the instructions. Most thing are made in China and the instructions just don't translate to my way of thinking.