What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been

Glovehead

It's the Silly Photo Challenge over at Squirrel Queen's so after amusing yourself with my contribution, check out the other contestants on her site.

I have no idea what prompted this photo op but I grabbed my camera and recorded it for posterity.  Behold, my beautiful and talented son, Thing 1!

He'll go far in life with talent like that.

 

I'm all right man, keep your hands off my stash

Things have been a little tight lately.  Financially, I mean, although my clothes are also feeling a bit tight lately but I'm blaming THAT on water weight gain.  My blog, my excuse.  But back to financial issues.  The construction industry has been hit pretty bad by the economical situation so TheManTheMyth hasn't had much work and it's affecting the lifestyle I have become accustomed to.

But those days are about to make a 180 degree turn.  I am seeing a light at the end of the financial hardship tunnel and things are looking mighty fine.

You see, I have been Officially Informed, via e-mail, by the ATM Card Payment Center that my ATM CARD (since it's capitalized, that means it's legit) has been accredited in my favour, as directed authoritatively by Mr. President (Seriously, that's his actual name, "Mr. President"), FBI and other foreign bodies (David Beckham?  I hope it's David Beckham because he's got a nice foreign body.  A VERY nice foreign body).


And, this is the good part, my ATM CARD is authorized to withdraw $5,000.00 in American dollars (North or South America?) every day!  If I withdraw $5,000 out of the ATM, using my ATM CARD every day, in one year that adds up to, lemme see, carry the one, $1,825,000.00!  I can pay off my house, pay for college for Things 1 and 2, buy a new car and best of all, finally get my very own Skee Ball game!  I'm practically GIDDY at the thought!  I mean, who wouldn't want their very own Skee Ball game?


But before I can receive my ATM CARD and start withdrawing my $5K a day (Hey!  That rhymes!), I have to stop any further communication with Persons and Offices who have been discouraging and delaying me from receiving my ATM CARD (all those naysayers who keep trying to "warn" me that this notice is a fraud.  Right.  Like I believe THAT.  They just want to try and steal MY money.  Well, back OFF; this money is MINE).


It turns out that there are Non-Officials and Impostors in the Bank who are thwarting my attempt to secure the release of the fund (Wait.  "Fund?"  As in singular?  I thought there were FundS, as in plural.) to me.  Mr. President is advicing (his words) me that such an illegal act like this have to stop since he's decided to bring a lasting solution to my problem.


Phew!  I am so glad that Mr. President has my best financial interests at heart.  He just wants to help me receive my fund.  And all I have to do to expedite my ATM CARD is to send him my names (Karizma Stolichnaya among others), fax numbers (I'm sure it's so they can fax me my ATM CARD) and the number of the bank account I want to transfer my fund to along with proof of identity (Um, this is me.  Duh).

Once I send Mr. President everything he requires, I'm confident that my ATM CARD will be faxed to me right away and I can begin living a life of Luxury and Status.  The downside to all of this is I'm anticipating previously unknown relatives crawling out of the woodwork once word of my largess gets out.  Yeah, good luck there; you're not getting any of my money "Cousin Luther."  

Now if you'll excuse me, I must start calling Skee Ball suppliers.  

Happy Kelly Birthday

Well, well, well.  It turns out my kvetching about my lack of a birthday party as a child (boo frickety hoo, right?) paid off.

For starters, my son, my wonderful son, used some of the money he received for HIS birthday and surprised his mommy with this:

How wonderful is that?  Just when I'm ready to throw him back in the water, he does something that makes me say, "Ok, you can still live in the house" because now that he's 18 and an Adult, we can legally tell him "Don't let the door hit ya on your way out!" if he screws up.  Which he won't do because he really is a great kid.  I do love my little boy.  He drives me nuts sometimes but I love him to pieces.

So, my friend Bubbles calls me up on Friday to tell me that if I'm not doing anything on Sunday (yesterday) around 3:00pm, I might want to mosey on over to my sister's house.

So I get to the house and there's balloons everywhere which make for a party atmosphere.  We're having a lovely visit, talking Girl Talk, ok actually, we were talking Middle Age Menopause Talk but hey, it's the camaraderie that counts.  

And then, something happens beyond my wildest dreams.  Bubbles, my friend Bubbles, who reads my blog and knows how to shut me up when I'm kvetching, produces my birthday gift.  A pinata!!!  I think I squealed.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I did.

We head outside for the pinata bashing

and of course I wasn't allowed to couldn't break open poor Jorge (we named the pinata Jorge) so young Sean (Bubbles' son) and Thing 2 both took turns whacking Jorge with a hockey stick because that was the only weapon we had on hand 

and finally Thing 2 struck a mortal blow (she is an Official Pinata Breaker and is available for Children's parties) 

 and candy went flying everywhere, thus setting off a mad scramble for the candy

And it was Good Candy, too!   None of that cheap, icky hard candy that nobody wants.  There was Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats, Nerds, ropes of bubblegum, Skittles, Smarties, etc.

After the massacre of Jorge, we went back in the house where we marveled over my birthday cake, lovingly baked by Thing 2 with my BIL adding the inscription

 We played an impromptu game of batting a balloon around and the rule was it couldn't hit the floor.  Even Coco

joined in the fun.  The balloon would float down toward her and she'd hit it up with her nose to continue the fun.  However, Coco was the first to let the balloon hit the floor so she was out and she was not happy about being the first one out of the game.  She's not a Gracious Loser, is Coco.


All in all, it was the best birthday party I've ever had and now I can stop carping AND kvetching about never having had a birthday party.  I can put it in a bubble and blow it away.

"Happy Kelly Birthday" 

In a lifeboat off the Canadian coast

It was pointed out to me that as far as my followers are concerned, I must be in a lifeboat drifting off the Canadian coast because I didn't finish up my cruise journal.

I'm still alive and have been back in the States for almost 2 weeks.  I just forgot to finish up.  My bad.

Ok, it's now Sunday and our ship, the Royal Princess is still moseying in a leisurely pace towards Victoria, BC.  We weren't docking in Victoria until 12:00pm (noon) so we kind of joked that everyone from the deckhands to the busboys and cabin stewards were given a chance to steer the ship to kill some time and maybe take it off some sweet jumps which is what I'm pretty sure is what caused my mal de mer the night before.

After breakfast, we put on our walking/running shoes and hit the jogging track to burn off the excess calories.  13 times around the jogging track was the equivalent of 1 nautical mile so around and around and around we went.  Lisa had wanted to experience as many on board activities as she could so she played bingo, took a line-dancing class

worked on the jigsaw puzzle in the ship's library, lounged in a deck chair, went online in the internet cafe and hit a couple of golf balls up on the top deck.  She and I also decided to soak in the jacuzzi and go for a swim in the pool.  The water was nice and warm and very buoyant as we splashed around in our running shorts and tank tops because none of us had brought a swimsuit.

We were nearing land although we were never actually very far from land the entire voyage, so we headed back to our cabin to shower and get ready to experience Victoria, the capital of British Columbia.

We got off the ship and had our passports ready so we could be allowed to enter Canada

We had arranged to take a tour of Victoria from the vantage point of an English double-decker bus

and we enjoyed our tour and the commentary of our tour guide, a delightful little English guy named, "Poppy" until the freezing-ass Arctic winds blowing in from the ocean forced us to abandon the top open deck and scurry down into the enclosed lower level of the bus.

We were dropped back off at the dock in time to enjoy lunch back on the ship before heading back to town to hoof it around on our own.  We walked and walked and walked, going in, you guessed it, home decor shops.  Again.  We also saw the Legislature, or Capital building

and wandered through the famous Empress Hotel, 

which is known for its Afternoon Tea, which we didn't do since a) it was rather expensive and 2) I didn't bring my hat and gloves and if I can't be properly dressed for Tea, then I'll have to pass.  We saw a number of people milling about, dressed in an odd Victorian/Goth/Pirate/Gypsy/Mad Scientist combination of clothing and discovered that a Steampunk Convention was being held at the Empress.  I had only first heard about Steampunk (Google it) barely two weeks earlier and here I got to see examples live and in person.

So we're walking around the waterfront, looking at all the boats all decorated for the next day's Victoria Day celebrations and suddenly, all I want, more than anything, is soft-serve ice cream.  I dunno why I had this incredible craving but a craving I had and I NEEDED to get some soft-serve vanilla ice cream stat!  Luckily, there was an ice cream stand that happened to have what I needed so I got my fix and enjoyed it immensely.  Sadly, there wasn't really enough time to see more of the attractions that Victoria had to offer.  I did think Victoria was absolutely charming and I definitely would love to go back and spend a couple of days.

We were pretty tired after all that walking so it was time to head back to the ship and rest up before dinner and to do our packing.

I did learn a couple of things while on this cruise:

- Dramamine only works if you take it BEFORE you get seasick.
- Dramamine is a great sleep aid.  Maybe that's how it works:  it knocks you out so you don't feel the pitch and roll of the ship.
- Opening your eyes underwater in a saltwater pool is a bad idea. 
- I can overcome my serious acrophobia. Sometimes. 
- My Sketchers "Shape Up" shoes were what was causing my hip, knee and ankle pain.


Despite my seasickness, I thought this was a great trip.  None of us were interested in partypartyparty and dancing all night or gambling.  We aren't middle-aged "Woo! Girls." At least not on this trip.  This was all about relaxing and sightseeing and just enjoying ourselves and that we did.

 

You would cry too

Let's talk birthdays, shall we?

My beautiful son, the "unique and special" Thing 1 

turned the Big 18 on May 30.  For his birthday, he received a suitcase and kick in the butt.  Ok, I'm kidding.  He didn't receive a suitcase.  But he did get a complimentary full tank of gas for the Red Rocket.  And the Red Rocket has a very large gas tank.

Until he decided he didn't want to be fussed over on his birthday (fuss of the cash kind was still acceptable, though), we used to throw Thing 1 a big ol' birthday party every year with those Moonbouncer jumpy things and party hats and lots of food and sugary drinks and cake and ice cream and a pinata filled with the good candy.  Oh, those were the days.  

Unlike my two sisters, *I* never had a birthday party when I was a kid (Bitter Moment #4).  Because I had the luck to be born on the same day as my maternal grandmother, my birthday parties consisted of dinner and cake at home with only family present.  No friends in party hats, no musical chairs, no pin the tail on the donkey, no pinata.  My grandmother would chain-smoke cigarettes and demand yet another Snappy Tom and vodka.  What kid wouldn't want to spend their birthdays like that, I ask.

One year, my parents asked what I wanted for my birthday.  Since I was all into the Z-Boys of Dogtown fame

 

all I wanted, I told them, was a skateboard from Harbour Surfboards.  With those new-fangled urethane wheels.  I told them over and over that I wanted a Harbour Skateboard and under no circumstances were they to get me one of those cheap-ass Black Knight skateboards with the clay wheels.  

Yeah, yeah, my parents said.  We get it.  Well, I think you can guess where this is going.  I opened my birthday present and stared down at the Black Knight skateboard with its clay wheels (Bitter Moment #7) and I'm all "Is this a joke?" and they're all, "We got you what you asked for!" and they were all proud of themselves for getting me that skateboard I had specifically asked them NOT to get me while Granny waved her empty glass in the air and cackled, "A dog can't stand on 3 legs!  Get me another drink!"  Par. Tay.

Flash forward a decade and change.  TheManTheMyth and I were still in the Newlywed phase and my birthday was coming up and TheManTheMyth started dropping hints about what he got me.  He told me he had thought long and hard about what to get me and he was confident he had picked the perfect gift and I was going to just DIE when I saw it.  So of course I have to tell everyone I worked with that my wonderful husband had got me the most fabulous gift and I couldn't wait to get home to find out what it was and I was sure they'd all be jealous when they heard about my kick-ass gift.

So, I get home from work on the day of my birth and the first thing I noticed was the dozen red roses.  Which raised an alarm in me.  The only time TheManTheMyth EVER buys me roses is when he has done something he knows I'm going to be very, very upset about.  Like the time he came home with his mom who had Alzheimers and her mean, nasty dog, announced she would be staying with us for a while and then in the next breath informed me that he was leaving in a few minutes for a Boys Trip for the entire duration of my MIL's stay.  And the roses were to make it all ok.  Yeah.  Roses = Bad News.

Next thing I see is something very big and bulky wrapped in a black trash bag with a big red bow on it.  Ok, now my curiosity was killing me.  TheManTheMyth tells me Happy Birthday and to go ahead and open my present.  I tear off the "wrapping" and I'm confronted with this:

I stare at it.  Then I stare at TheManTheMyth, who has a huge, happy, proud smile on his face and then I stare back at this...this...thing.  And I say something along the lines of "What. The. Hell?  And TheManTheMyth is all, "It's a transmission!  For the Baja Bug!  Isn't it GREAT! " and I'm all "Are you serious?"  and he's all "I know! Don't you just love it!" and I'm all "Is is a joke?" while looking around for the Candid Camera because this has to be a joke, right?  Who in their right mind would get their wife a transmission for an off-road vehicle she never even wanted to begin with as a birthday gift?


The Baja Bug was my surprise Christmas present (and not a surprise in the "good" sense) and TheManTheMyth had been spending hundreds of hours, not to mention thousands of dollars, getting this thing all fixed up and ready to race the Dakar rally.  For me.  That Baja Bug ended up taking on a life of its own and there are quite a few stories that will have to wait for another day.  


So that was pretty much the end of TheManTheMyth picking out my birthday and Christmas gifts, although he did completely take me by surprise one Christmas, in a great way, when I opened my gift and found diamond earrings.  But nowadays, we just get our own gifts and act all surprised when we open them and there are no more transmission surprises.

It's how we keep our marriage working successfully.  Because we're a couple of old fashioned romantics is what we are.

Maybe this will be the year I finally get a pinata.  A girl can hope.

Sea Cruise Part Deux

Notice how I used my bilingual skills in the title.  Impressive, non?

Ok, so we arrive in Vancouver early Friday morning, passing under the Lion's Gate Bridge

It's another lovely day, weather-wise, as you can see from the photo.  We have a bus tour of downtown Vancouver scheduled along with a trip to the Capilano Suspension Bridge so we troop off the ship only to be stopped in the terminal because Bippy and Lisa didn't have their Government Identification with them and therefore they were not allowed to go any further.  Since *I* had my State of Confusion California Drivers License with me, I was all, "see ya!" and headed to the bus.  Just kidding.  The two of them sprinted back to the ship for their ID while I loitered about and then we were allowed entry into Canada.

So we took our Bus Tour of Downtown Vancouver and of course every route our bus driver took had some sort of street construction going on.  Still, it was exciting to be in a foreign country and try our best to translate the foreign language, i.e., "Harbour," "favour,"  "colour," "eh."  The hockey fan in me was tickled to see where the Vancouver Canucks play their home games although I am not a Canucks fan because I don't like the Sedin brothers because they're Gingers and have no souls.

We went through Stanley Park and saw the totem poles of tribes of the First Nations (we call them "Indians" in the USofA):  

I took a picture of the lovely view of Vancouver "Harbour" and the ship terminal:

I was kind of bummed we didn't get to spend more time in Stanley Park.  It looked absolutely beautiful but we had places to go and suspension bridges to cross.

When we booked our cruise and were deciding on our shore excursions, Bippy told me we were going to experience the Capilano Suspension Bridge.  And I laughed, "Ha Ha!" because as everyone knows, I am deathly afraid of heights. And snakes and clowns but we're talking about heights right now.  I said I would wave at Bippy and Lisa from the safety of the platform but I ain't gettin' on that thing.

Hello!  It's not like it's just a few feet over the river!  And it moves!  And swings!  And tilts!  Hell no, I won't go!  Um, yeah.

The got me on it.  If you look closely, you can see the absolute terror in my eyes although I'm trying very, very hard to smile, which is more of a grimace because did I mention I was terrified?
 
Once we made it safely across (I refused to look anywhere but straight ahead to the end of the bridge because if I had stopped to look over the side my eyes would have rolled back in my head and I would have dropped like a sack of potatos) we went on a hike and saw a family of raccoons who refused to pose for pictures, some ground squirrels and beautiful foliage.  I was thrilled to see my favorite flower in the entire world blooming:

I had only seen Lily of the Valley in pictures in books so this was a thrill.  Oh, and the rhododendrons!  They were EVERYWHERE!  I had never seen rhododendrons before because we don't have them here in Sunny Southern California (something about the climate) and they are so gorgeous!  Look!  I'm using exclamation points!


So I survived the Capilano Suspension Bridge and we headed back to the ship to fuel up with lunch before hoofing back to The City and see the sights.  Which meant going into every. single. furniture/homegoods store we saw.  Furniture which all looked exactly the same to me.  But in one store, we got to meet Rufus, which made it all worthwhile to me:

Rufus never met a stranger and had the body mass of a buffalo.  His Daddy insisted Rufus only weighed about 35lbs (Canadian weight?) but um, no.  I think he was in denial about his doggy.  But oh, Rufus was just the friendliest, sweetest boy and while Bippy and Lisa shopped and admired, I sat on one of the sofas and played with Rufus.

We went to the Hudson's Bay store, went in more furniture and home goods stores and finally called it a day and headed back to the ship to rest and relax before dinner. 

The next day was Saturday, our "at sea" day.

Luckily, we had absolutely glass-like conditions as we meandered around Vancouver Island and the little islands to kill a whole day "at sea."

I had my Body Composition consultation at 9:00am, which was interesting, depressing and informative but nothing I didn't already know (give up the Del Taco, kid, and you'll lose weight).

We rested some more, ate some more, circled around some more and then headed off to the lounge/niteclub for Bingo.  Because you HAVE to play Bingo on a ship.  Plus, the jackpot was $500.  In American Dollars, which is righteous bucks.  We lost.  The lady who won the jackpot gave a barely audible, "bingo" when she won which made me want to demand she be disqualified.  I know if I had won the $500 I would have been leaping into the air bellowing "BINGO, BITCHES! I WIN!!!!" at the top of my lungs.  Because I'm a gracious winner, doncha know.

We rested some more and ate some more and finally it was time to get ready for Dress Up Night.  Now, the last time I had been on a cruise, which was the first time I went on a cruise, I didn't make it through the appetizer course on Dress Up Night before I had to make a run for a toilet.  Which I didn't get to in time.  A slot machine was the recipient of the contents of my stomach.

So about the time we headed to dinner, the seas got rough.  So maybe it wasn't Winter on the North Atlantic rough but it was bad enough for me.  And I had foolishly forgotten to take a Dramamine because a) it had been quite calm and 2) I was afraid it would knock me out.  This time, I made it through the appetizer AND the salad course before I had to escape back to my cabin, swallow a Dramamine and fling myself on to the bed where I proceeded to moan and groan with every pitch and roll of the ship until the Dramamine knocked me out.  Which means I was sound asleep before it was dark outside.  Needless to say, I was 0 for 2 in the Formal Dress Up Night on a Cruise stakes. 

To be continued...