Friday, August 28, 2009

Dis, Dat & de udder ting

After posting about the kitty who seemed to have adopted me, I haven't seen him since and frankly, I'm bummed. He's such a sweet, affectionate boy and has lots of charisma (pronounced "ka-RAZ-ma" in Perkins lingo). I'm hoping that he actually belongs to someone and is a pedigreed Blue-point Siamese which would explain the presence of his cojones. He's definitely well-fed. I know this because a) we fed him and b) I picked him up to give him cuddles and he had some heft to him.

Today, I finally went and had a Professional Bra Fitting and color me depressed and dismayed. I knew I had packed on some El Bee's in the last year due to my unfortunate addiction to Crack but Cheezus Christ on a Cracker! An F cup?!?! Damn. Thing 2 saw my 3 new bras, which cost the equivalent of a Coach bag, and was flabbergasted to discover that one cup completely covered her head. She fearfully asked me, "Am *I* going to get THAT big?" Stay away from the crack and you'll be fine, kid.

Registered the offspring for school this week. Registration for the two of them cost only a hair more than my 3 new bras. This does not include their school supplies. Gone are the days when all you needed was a PeeChee

a couple of pencils and some notebook paper and you were set for the year. Did you know they don't even make PeeChees any more? What are girls supposed to write their future married name on?

We won't get the list of required school supplies until a week or so after school starts when the kids will bring home their lists and announce that they have to have everything on the list the next day and if they don't bring this stuff to school the next day, they will get Marked Down which will affect their grades and totally screw up any chance they may have had of getting into a good college and then they'll be stuck living here at home until they're 37 and it will be all my fault because I didn't rush out and get the supplies the second they brought home the list and it's not THEIR fault I don't have the money to buy this stuff at the last minute just GET THE STUFF, Mom!

So I will then rush out to the nearest Tar-zhay, knowing damn well that the only things still in stock are Hello Kitty binders and extra-wide ruled notebook paper which means I have to drive over to the over-priced office supply store where they will be out of every third item on the list and the next day, the kids will come home from school and tell me that the teacher said they don't need those items for another week so don't rush out buying this stuff.

And I will blink, and then wordlessly reach for the bottle of vodka.

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