Thursday, July 9, 2009

Spamalot, The e-mails!

I have an e-mail account that is for my (unpaid) job as an officer for AMA District 37 Offroad Desert Division. I get about 100 e-mails a day, 99% of them spam. Normally I just delete in one fell swoop but this time I actually looked at the subject line and found the following (my comments in parentheses):

"Cheap designer watches to show your social status!" (Because telling the world you wear cheap knockoffs always gets you into the hottest clubs!)

"A watch speaks about its owner!" (and it says the owner wears a cheap knockoff)

"Your watch will find you no matter where you are!" (It's a tracking device your wife installed because she knows you're cheating with some ho that wears cheap knockoff accessories)

Along with all the spam for cheap knockoff watches is the spam for "male enhancement products." Who writes these things?

"Your stick will not be big when you close your eyes." (Nor will it be big when you open your eyes)

"More inches in your pants, less steps to success." (Gentlemen, always carry a ruler in your pants and you can skip the whole "get her drunk" part of the night.)

"Life is so much easier when you have more inches." (I know it helps getting stuff off the top shelves, dunking a basketball or watching a parade.)

"Your male friend will look great even in loose jeans." ("Dude, loose is one thing but wear a belt fercryinoutloud. Nobody wants to see your "Incredible Hulk" boxers.)

"Nothing gives more confidence than a big device." (What kind of device, a 1980's cellphone that comes with its own battery in a suitcase? A GPS? Commodore 64 computer?)

"You will like the quality of our soft." (Soft WHAT?? Bathroom tissue? Fabric softener? Towels?)

"How to get her hoot and ready too leave." (She will hoot in derision at the size of your big device along with the quality of the soft and be all too ready to leave.)

"Call for your diploma now!" (Finally! Artesia High School is finally acknowledging that I did not, in fact, ever check out and fail to return a science fiction novel back in 1980 and they're telling me I can finally come and pick up my Class of 1981 diploma! Please, like I would EVER check out a sci-fi novel. Wait a sec. This isn't from my high school. Crap. This means I still don't have my High School Diploma. Dammit.)

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