There's no mayonnaise in Ireland

Bu there's ketchup and mustard.

Anyway.

My family, who I love and adore, has a problem.  And it's a problem that has caused problems more than once.  Which is a problem.

The problem is that they do not enunciate when they speak.  All three of them like to mumble, slur and run their words together as if they're in some kind of contest to see how fast they can mumble and slur and run their words together while talking to me to see how fast my head will explode.

Obviously, they do it to fuck with me.

I don't know how many times one of them will ask me a question and I cannot understand a single word they're saying so I ask them to repeat it.

And they do.

And it sounds just as unintelligible as the first time around.

They also like to mumble and slur while facing away from me.  

And then get all huffy because I don't answer.

Just this morning, TheManTheMyth was sitting at my desk, looking at something on the computer.  I was sitting on the couch in the living room watching the morning news.

And he asked me a question that sounded like this:  "Hazzey dunn sanjay cast yet?"

And I, of course, said, "WHAT?"

And he repeated it, "Hazzey dunn sanjay cast yet?"

I muted the TV and again asked, "WHAT?"

"Hazzey dunn sanjay cast yet?"


Oh, Cheezus Effing Criminey, what the fuck is he saying?


So I get up and walk into my office and ask him to repeat his question.  With a heavy sigh, he asks me, "Have they done the seven day forecast yet?"


Oh.  Of COURSE.  How could I have missed that?  It was so OBVIOUS what he was asking me.  Any fool could have known that.


Just yesterday I received a phone call from someone with a slight accent and I had to keep asking her to repeat her company name and I STILL didn't know what the hell she was saying and finally I asked her to spell it for me.  Which she did.  And okay, I'd never heard of it because it was a foreign name.  So there's that in my favor.


Despite hearing tests that tell me my hearing is just fine and dandy, I DO have a problem hearing when there is a lot of background noise or when people mumble and slur their words together.  Everything sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher to me.


I've attended dinners and luncheons and meetings where I've pretty much just sat like a bump on a log because I can't hear what people are saying because of the background noise.


My Grandpa once advised that when speaking with people whose first language is NOT English, "speak slowly and distinctly so they will understand you."


I thought he was being a bit pompous at the time but guess what?  Grandpa was right!

When the man told me that there's no mayonnaise in Ireland, I asked what condiments are in Ireland.  And that's when I found out that he had actually been quoting John Donne's, "No man is an island."


Seriously, say it fast.  No man is an island.


No mayonnaise in Ireland.


I rest my case.