I want some Whine

TheManTheMyth is on the Injured Reserved List this week folks.  And that means, MY life is not the days of Wine and Roses which is actually okay because I do not partake of the nectar of the grape.  

In other words, I don't drink wine. 

I don't like it and all wine tastes exactly the same to me.  I can't tell the difference between a $150 bottle of wine and a bottle of Two Buck Chuck although I CAN taste the difference between a red wine and a white wine.  So there's that.

The only time I'll drink wine is if I'm at a charity function and it's on the table and even then, I'll just have a few sips and that's it.

Anyway.

TheManTheMyth is having serious back problems this week.  About every 7 to 10 years, his back will seize up on him and when he can actually walk, he kind of holds on to any piece of furniture while bending at the waist.

I asked him if he needed a walker with tennis balls on the legs.

He was not amused.

So yesterday I took him to the chiropractor.  While I was waiting for him to get adjusted and manipulated in the hopes it would help, I sat in one of those massage chair recliner things and turned it on.

Today, I feel like I've been beaten with a baseball bat.

I won't be getting one of those chairs any time soon.

This morning, though, TheManTheMyth is feeling a little bit better and is moving around easier which means everybody is breathing a sigh of relief.  None of us wanted to have to help him to the bathroom.  I mean, there was nothing in our wedding vows about assisting in the bathroom.  I know, I checked.

Oh, and SPEAKING of bathrooms, I've often complained about my wimpy shower head with the water pressure of a dime store squirt gun.  Well guess what?  I had to touch up my roots yesterday (What?  You thought I was a natural redhead?) and it was time to rinse off the hair color so I turned on the shower and HOLY CHIT!  Somehow, suddenly we've got water pressure.  And lots of it.  It's Fire Hose water pressure.  The slate tiles on the shower walls were chipping due to the intense pressure.  I am not joking.  It was scary.

I lost several layers of skin.  I've never felt so clean in my life. 

In other news, Gracie Lou now considers herself a Great White Hunter.  We were at the park and she had stopped behind me to sniff something in the grass while I walked on ahead of her.  Whenever she finds a discarded food wrapper she does the following:

Sniff.

Grab.

Run.

Fling.

So when I saw her Sniff, Fling THEN Run, I turned just in time to see the gopher land on the ground behind me.

At the same time she had been sniffing at a gopher hole, the gopher had decided to stick its head out to see what was going on in the world and Gracie was all, "Oh Boy!" and the gopher was all, "FUCK."

It was pretty pissed off, to say the least, and made lunging motions toward us and Gracie was lunging back and the gopher was all, "Come ON!  Bring it!" while dropping its little gopher sized gloves.

I pulled Gracie away from the fight and we watched the gopher back up, flip us off and then turn and head back into the grass, muttering expletives at us as he left.

For the rest of our walk, The Great White Hunter was strutting and being all BadAss because she had caught a gopher.

"Thass right, thass right, we Bad" (name that movie for 10 points).

Perhaps this is why TheManTheMyth has problems with his back:

He's fallen and he can't get up.

Death by the Axe

Does it drive you nuts, the way it drives ME nuts, when people mispronounce words?

When you want to read a book, do you go to the "liberry?"  Well, *I* go to the "LiBRARY."  Because I'm weird that way.  I figure books would be at the library and berries are found at a liberry.  

Makes sense, no?

Do you know how many times I have heard a politician, who really should know better, pronounce a certain word as "NooCueLur."   Hello!  It's "NooKleeYur."  Which is why it's spelled "Nuclear" which I guess can be pronounced as "New Clear" which is pretty darn close to New Klee Year" but it is NOT a New Cue Lur.  Get it right you politicians and newspeople!

Years ago I worked with a lovely older woman whose name I cannot remember so I will call her "Betty."  Betty was one of those people who is always happy and this was her first office job and she was always cheerful and happy and eager to learn and we all just loved her.  She was a breath of fresh air in a stale office. 

There was just one problem with Betty.

Betty was always threatening to kill us.  And she was going to do it in a terrible way.

She was going to AXE us.

Everyday, she would say, "Can I axe you something?" and we'd be all, "No Betty!  Please don't axe us!  We want to live!  But if you want to ASK us something, that would be fine."

And Betty, being the wonderful lady she was despite her serial killer tendencies, would laugh and then she would ASK her question.

And we'd all breathe a sigh of relief that once again, we had escaped a horrible death.

Death by axing.

Behold a picture of me taken in 1974 where I show my intelligence by playing a game of Chess with an unknown opponent.

Someone's in Hot Water and that someone is NOT ME!

Well, that's not good.  This morning I went to take a shower after returning from my brisk morning walk with Gracie Lou and I get undressed and run the hot water in the sink so that I don't have to stand there shivering while the shower heats up.  

And I'm waiting.

And waiting.

And shivering and I stick my hand under the water and it is not hot.  It's not even all that warm.  Which is odd because the water usually gets hot in about 30-45 seconds.

Great.  Just great.

So I put on my robe and go outside to the water heater.  First, I turn on the hot water faucet of the outdoor sink just to check.  Nope.  It's Not Hot.

Then I open the door to the hot water heater closet and everything LOOKS okay but it's eerily quiet.  Usually I can hear something but not this time.  And I put my hand on the tank and it's cold, very cold.

Somehow, between 10:00pm last night when TheManTheMyth took his shower and this morning, our 3 year old hot water heater decided to quit.  Didn't even give 2 weeks notice.  Just up and quit. 

I'm not going to go and try to light the Pilot Light, which I'm pretty sure is out because I didn't see nor hear it, because when it comes to lighting things that contain gas and flames, I'm a scaredy cat.  With good reason.

When I was in high school, we had a gas barbecue that was hooked up to the gas line of our house.  And we used that barbecue almost every day because it was so easy to use.  All you had to do to light it was turn the gas lever to ON and stick a lighted match in the little hole in the side.

Well one time, I could not get the match lit.  I must have tried lighting a half dozen of these wooden stick matches and they would not light.  And all this time, the gas has been on.

I finally got a match lit, bent down to stick the match in the hole and BOOM!

Half of the hair on one side of my head closest to the barbecue was singed and I think I lost part of my eyebrow.  And everything stunk like burning hair.

I screamed and ran straight for the shower, pouring half a bottle of conditioner on my head in a failed attempt to keep my hair from looking like a Brillo pad.

Ever since then, I've had a healthy fear of pilot lights.

So now I have a good excuse as to why the dishes aren't done.  Although I'm pretty sure TheManTheMyth will point out that if I would have done them last night after dinner, it wouldn't be a problem.

He always manages to find a way to beat me at my own game.

And now, this has nothing to do with anything but I leave you with an amusing photo that was taken somewhere on Easter Sunday circa 1970.

The three of us are wearing matching pantsuits that consisted of a polka dot blouse worn under a jumper with a HUGE belt and the jumper was worn over some rockin' bell bottom pants.  We were Stylin'!

And yes, be jealous that I had a Mrs. Beasley Doll.

The Doors of Perception. Of what's on my fridge

This morning I had an epiphany that what my 2 readers REALLY wanted to see/read about today was (drum roll please):

WHAT'S ON MY REFRIGERATOR!!!!!!

Okay, I totally stole the idea from June but hey, sometimes my train of thought leaves the station without me when it comes to blog fodder and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

So without further ado, let's look at What's On My Fridge:

In the upper left corner is a magnet of a hockey puck with the name of one of Thing 2's hockey teams from oh, about 5 years ago.  I do not know why it's still there.

Below that is a magnet of a Black Lab that looks exactly like my beloved Lucy (May She Rest in Peace.  In my Curio Cabinet/Columbarium).  Which is why it's still there.  Everytime I get something out of the freezer (vodka), I am reminded of my Lucy.  Who I still miss every day.

Next to Lucy are Thing 2's report cards.  4 A's, 2 B's.  Which put her on the Principal's Honor Roll for having a 3.5 and above GPA.  Which means she gets to sleep in the house.  For now.

Now let's take a gander at the other side, shall we?

 There's a lovely note to Thing 2 from one of her favorite middle school teachers which is held by a Chester Cheetah magnet clip.  I have no idea where that magnet clip came from.

Next to the note is a photo of Thing 2 taken by her orthodontist the day she got her braces off.

Next to that is an invitation Thing 1 received when Warden Threw a Party at the Santa Barbara County Jail over Halloween weekend.  All charges were dropped but I keep the citation up there so that Thing 1 is reminded of his drunk and stupid actions every time he opens the fridge.

Below that is the 2009 Christmas Card from my dear friend Bubbles.  I have no idea why I still have it up there but why rush to take it down, I ask.  It's held up by a Dominos Pizza magnet.  I know the phone number by heart, I don't need to read the magnet whenever I want to order pizza.

Next to the 2009 Christmas Card from Bubbles und familia (see how multi-lingual I am?) is a notice from Thing 2's school telling us we have to get her a whooping cough booster shot before she can start school in the fall.  

So that concludes the tour of the doors of my refrigerator.  I hope you enjoyed it.  Maybe next time we can do a tour of the contents.  I know, the excitement never ends here.

Spring has sprung. A leak.

Today is the first day of Spring and when one thinks of Spring, one thinks of flowers blooming, 

 birds singing and it's a Sunshine Day (everybody's smiling!).

Well not today.


Today, it's cold.  And storming.  And cold.  And blowing like a hurricane.  Which is quite different from rocking like a hurricane.  And did I mention it's cold?  Yeah, yeah, how cold does it get in coastal Southern California?  I mean, it's not like we're getting hit with blizzards and sub-zero temperatures but when one is used to having the best climate in the country, this kind of weather throws one out of whack.

 Does that look all Spring-like?  I think not.


The trees on our street are 50+ years old and diseased

and have a tendency to come crashing down in stormy weather.  One time, I had been parked out front and I had to go to the store.  I got in my car and pulled away from the curb and looked in my rear view mirror just in time to see a massive limb come crashing down right where I had just been parked.

I'm totally expecting another tree to come crashing down at one point during this storm which is supposed to really hit hard sometime tonight.  Goody.

And I'm keeping an eye on one of the palm trees in the backyard because it's leaning like a drunken frat boy on St. Patrick's Day

Gracie is all upset and freaked out about the storm:

I last heard from the menfolk around 9:00am Friday morning, 3 hours after they had been on the road but another racer let me know that they did finally arrive in Idaho, late Saturday afternoon.  What was supposed to have been a 15 hour trip turned into the trip from Hell and it took them over 30 hours to get to their destination.  I don't know all the details but I guess a wheel came off the trailer at one point and this was after they had to get new tires for the trailer after only 90 miles into the trip.  

When TheManTheMyth had told me the night before they left that he was apprehensive about making this drive with these other people, who he didn't know very well (at all, actually) I told him to look at it as an Adventure, that he will probably have stories to tell around campfires and it'll be Fun!

Yeah.  FUN.

Okay, I just heard a loud THUD outside.  Gotta go.

Randomness of fonts

So TheManTheMyth and Thing 1 left on their Adventure yesterday morning and lemme tell you, last night I was missing them something awful.  Which is unusual since they're gone racing just about every other weekend and they've been doing this for how many years now and there's been times I've looked forward to them being gone for the weekend but not this time.  I dunno why.  I don't even know if they've made it to their destination (Murphy, Idaho) or if they're still puttering along.  I guess I'll just have to wait for a phone call.
*
*
Once again, Blogger has decided that IT will decided which font I can and cannot use and I guess it's decided that I must use the small "Times" font even though I keep choosing the larger "Verdana" font.  It will switch fonts on me when I start a new paragraph, when I type a new word and sometimes even in the middle of the word if I stop typing for a moment.   It's a non-stop battle between Blogger and me and this time, I'll let it think it's won so it can see how STUPID this whole thing is.  If someone knows how I can choose a default font, let me know so that I can be WINNING this battle of wills between Time and Verdana.
*
*
Early this morning, Gracie Lou jumped off the bed (she sleeps with us) trotted off down the hall.   When she didn't come back right away, I sat up and listened and I could hear her doing something so I called to her and she came scampering back to bed and snuggled in, looking EXTREMELY guilty of something.  Something she didn't want to talk about and she pretended to be sound asleep when I gave her an inquiring stare.

So when I got up at the decadent hour of 8:00am, I did a quick reconnaissance of the living room and didn't see anything unusual.  And then I went into my office to check my e-mail and saw something on the rug:

That thing next to her half-chewed Chewstix was what was left of a 12" long leather bookmark.  She had eaten the other 11" of it.
*
*
Our local Borders bookstore is one of the many that went to the Chopping Block.  I'm pretty bummed because not only did I spend a lot of time there, I had also spent a lot of money there.  And it was the only bookstore around that carried a specific magazine I love.

It's been a month since the "EVERYTHING MUST GO!!" sales went up and it was only yesterday I finally ventured in.  Everything was 40% off the list price and I got 3 books that were on my Kindle wish list for less than the Kindle price so WINNING!  So now I have 3 more books to add to my pile of Books To Be Read, a pile that contains books I bought a year ago but haven't even picked up since.  So of course it makes sense to buy more books.  Well, it makes sense to ME.
*
*
I have absolutely no plans for this weekend sans TheManTheMyth.  I suppose I COULD do some Spring Cleaning (stop laughing) and take a load of stuff to the Goodwill.

Or, I could start working through my pile of books.

Decisions, decisions.

Death and grief and sorrow and murder. And weddings. And other stuff.

The other day, an internet friend asked for advice in dealing with all the terrible news that seems to be on 24/7.  Everything is doom and gloom "we're all gonna die!" depressing.

It sucks, is what it does.  It's getting to the point where reading the newspaper means heading straight to the comics.  And "Dear Abby" although some of the letters she gets are pretty depressing.

I KNOW what's going on in the world.  But that doesn't mean I want to be saturated with it.  Along with the radiation cloud that is supposedly heading toward California.  Our local news stations are all up on that, telling people to get thee to a pharmacy and stock up on potassium iodine so now of course you can't find potassium iodine, not that I'm looking.

So seeing as I'm admittedly Shallow and Superficial, I'm going to turn my attention to more lighthearted stuff.

There's a Royal Wedding coming up and I for one want to know all the details.  What will Catherine, formerly known as "Kate," wear?  Yes, yes, I KNOW she'll wear a wedding dress but what will it look like?  Who is making it?  Will she wear a tiara?  I love me a tiara.  I have a couple of my own and they're always fun to wear, even if you're not marrying a future King.

I remember getting my first glimpse of Princess Diana's wedding dress and at the time I thought it was the most beautiful dress EVER.  Huge and pouffy and billowing and that immense train and oh, this teenage girl practically swooned at the sight of it. It was a total Fairy Princess dress.  And the bouquet!  Huge!  I wanted one just like it when I got married, except with pink flowers.  However, the cost of such a massive bouquet caused me to rethink that idea.


TheManTheMyth and Thing 1 left this morning for Idaho to race in the Kenda National Hare & Hound Series.  They're riding up with some other people and based on the call I got about an hour ago, it's going to be a loooooooooooong drive.   Barely 2 hours into the drive, they've already had to replace 2 tires on the trailer.  I told TMTM to look at this as an Adventure, as something he will look back on and laugh and he was all, "Yeah.  Ha. Ha."


It's all my fault, though.  TMTM had wanted to have a trailer hitch put on my car and they would borrow a little 2-rail bike trailer and drive up because it would save a couple hundred bucks in gas than if they had driven up the Big Truck but I had adamantly put the kibosh on that because my car is a lease that gets turned in in 2-1/2 months and this trip would a) put me over my miles and 2) put unnecessary wear and tear on a car that has to be in good condition when it gets turned in and Let's pay $$$$ to save $$!  Yeah, um, NO.


So I've been looking and test driving various cars for when the time comes to get a new car and every car I've shown TMTM, he's immediately looked into the trailer hitch situation so that it can become the transportation of choice to the desert and I got all pissed off at the thought of my new car being ruined by a having a trailer hitch installed and I worked myself up into quite a state before I reminded myself that I don't even have the car yet.  But I'm still mad at even the thought.


I blame the news.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and put on one of my tiaras and hope it makes everything a little more happy.