Wednesday, February 13, 2013


Oh, it's been a while since I've last regaled you with either tidbits of wisdom or exciting events in my life so in today's post, you get both!

It's a Win-Win!

For everyone!

So here we go.  You might want to sit down for a few of these.  The others, you can continue to stand.

We got a new sofa!


Okay, it's a "previously owned" sofa purchased via Craigslist (Ol' Craig is all right in my book) but to us, it's NEW!

Our former sofa, also purchased with help from Craig and his list, was a replacement for our former sectional that had lost its ooomph, not to mention its springs and I couldn't stand it any longer because just sitting on it for more than a short time would cause my hips to ache like a mo-fo so I perused Whatshisname's List and found a La-Z-Boy reclining sofa for dirt cheap and that sufficed until it became obvious that we only had seating for 3 people in our living room and seeing as there are 4 of us in this family, someone always got the shaft so once again I hit the 'List because money is scarce so a brand new sofa was out of the question and clearly we needed a sectional instead of a single sofa and could this sentence BE any longer?

Anyhoo, BEHOLD!  Our new (for us) mega-sofa!
There's enough room for all 4 of us, PLUS guests, PLUS dogs.  And it's so ding-dang comfortable, too!

TheManTheMyth says it's the most comfortable sofa we've ever had so that right there says it was $400 well spent.

Moving on.

Guess what I did on Superbowl Sunday?

Here's a hint:
In case you aren't sure what that is, THAT is my Finisher's Medal from the Surf City Half Marathon!


Yes, folks, I actually did a Half Marathon!


People who know me are thinking, "It's like I no longer even KNOW her!" because people who know me know that doing a (Half) Marathon is something they can't possible picture me doing but I did it and I finished so suck on that, people!

Yes, it took a bit of time to finish since I mostly walked the 13.1 miles and I had to stop and go to the bathroom A LOT since I kept drinking lots of water and my friend Debbie was having a hard time and I didn't want to leave her behind

but I DID sprint at a full gallop the last 1/8 mile to the finish line because I was damned if I was going to cross that finish WALKING.  No sir, not me!  I've got my pride.

So, YAY ME!  Now I need to start training for the OC Half Marathon in May and I need to shave at least 30 minutes off my time because there is a time limit for this one.  And when I finish, I will have 2/3 of the Beach City Challenge completed and when I finish the Long Beach Half Marathon in October, I will get a Big-Ass Gigantic Medal.  And I like me some hardware.  Cash would be better but I'll take the Big-Ass Gigantic Medal.


Fabulous News: The lovely Thing 2 was accepted at every college she applied to (or, to be proper, "Every college to which she applied") and there was much rejoicing when she received her acceptance e-mail from her School of Choice because that letter arrived MONTHS after she sent out her applications and things were getting pretty nerve-wracking around here when weeks went by with nary a word from the college that is literally within walking distance from our house.

But accepted she was, so, YAY!  

Now we get to sell some body parts to pay the tuition.

Next up:

On this Ash Wednesday, how can I NOT mention the Pope throwing in the towel?  What is up with THAT?

My suspicion is that he's got the Alzheimer's.

Or, now that he's got a Twitter account, he's hoping to start a new career promoting businesses, nightclubs, UFC fights and various reality TV shows.

What?  It could happen! 

But now, a new Pope has to be chosen and I've come up with a great idea. 

A Pope Pageant!

Contestants would come out and introduce themselves:

"Hi there, I'm Cardinal Ouellet of the French Canadians coming to you from Beautiful Quebec!"

There would be a snappy song-and-dance number and each contestant would have to perform a talent (I'm praying for a fire-baton number!) and then there would be the always-entertaining On Stage Question (no sermonizing allowed).

Sadly, we would have to do away with the swimsuit portion because really, who wants to see a bunch of old men in Speedos?

We'd also have to do away with the Evening Gown segment because they'd all wear the same red gown with white lace apron and matching beanie.

Judges for the Pope Pageant would include Father Guido Sarducci and the Church Lady.

I bet a Pope Pageant would knock TV ratings out of the ballpark.  Take THAT, Miss America!

Okay, serious time here.

For the past week, Southern California has endured one of the largest manhunts in state history, looking for an ex-cop who was a little upset over being fired a few years ago and decided to bring attention to his situation by going on a murderous rampage in revenge, killing 4 people including 2 law enforcement officers.

Now, I've been fired from a job once or twice (3 times?) in my employment history and one of those times screwed me up emotionally big time.  Oh, I was a mess, I tell you.  I literally had nightmares for months about the circumstances of that termination.

Anyway, my point is, not once did I EVER consider seeking revenge or start slaughtering innocent people to bring attention to my unfortunate employment termination.  And I had been Employee of the Month!

And the reason I did not go on a murderous rampage was because I am not a psychopath.

And that's all I have to say about that.


Monday, January 14, 2013


What you've all been waiting for:  more streams of consciousness from my little brain.

*I have never seen "The Princess Bride."  Or, "Sleepless in Seattle."  Heck, I've gone to the movies once, ONCE in the last 10 years.   What movie did I see?  "Lords of Dogtown."  Before that, I saw "Titanic" when it came out.  I'm not a movie person.  Obviously.

*I don't care if the proceeds go to a good cause, I think TOMS shoes are butt-ugly and I wouldn't wear them if you gave me a pair. 

*I hate, loathe and despise those Facebook posts that say, "I know most of you won't have the guts to repost this but..."  And double the irony when it's on a post against bullying.  Yes, let's BULLY people into reposting a Facebook status against bullying.  

*People who use the word, "totes" instead of "totally" make me want to deliver a roundhouse kick to the jaw.  It's like "fetch" happen.  Stop trying to make it happen.  It's not going to happen!

*Never, ever go to an IKEA on a Sunday afternoon.  There is NOTHING you need that badly to go to an IKEA on a Sunday afternoon.  Unless you LIKE being caught up in a crowd of families strolling through the aisles at a snail's pace.

*If you MUST go to an IKEA on a Sunday afternoon and if you MUST decide to eat in the cafe, be prepared to deal with families with preschoolers sitting right next to you and be prepared for what happens when preschoolers insist on opening their own carton/bottle of milk.  Keep lots of napkins handy, is what I'm saying.

*If you're going to sell something on Craigslist, please include pictures of your item.  And a price.  And a location.

*If you're answering an ad on Craigslist that states, "NO TRADES" in the ad, please don't ask if the seller would be willing trade their item for something they have absolutely no use for.  And that includes prepositions.

*Google Ads denied my application and refused to tell me why.  Bastards. 

Okay, that's all my little brain can come up with today.

I'll leave you with a cute picture of Puppy watching Supercross. She was thrilled to see Justin Barcia win his first Supercross race.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


So another year has come and gone and we ALL survived the non-existent Mayan Apocalypse.

I remember the first time I ever heard about the so-called Mayan Apocalypse slash End of the World.  It was around 1990 and one of the people I worked with had been an Archeology Major and she said one of her professors had told them about the Mayan Calendar and how it predicted the end of the world.

Well of course we were all fascinated and demanded to know when the world was going to end since the Millennium was only 10 years away and everyone knew there would be mass chaos when THAT happened.  Oh wait.  Yeah, the Millennium Meltdown was a big old bust, wasn't it?

Anyway, she told us that the end of the world would happen on December 21, 2012.

Well, that was YEARS away so we all went about our lives and as December 21, 2012 approached, I wasn't sweating it.  Much.  Well, actually I WAS sweating it but that was because I have entered the lovely world of menopause with hot flashes galore.  Mostly at night. And mostly when the puppy, who doubles as a heating pad, is curled up against me.

Anyway.  We survived the Apocalypse AND New Year's Eve with ease.

Moving on.

So a New Year has dawned along with new resolutions.  I really hate to make resolutions because 60% of the time, they fail every time.

So let's call them Goals, shall we?  What with the NHL still on its stupid lock out, that's the only Goals I'm seeing lately.


Goal #1: stop wasting electricity in the house.  I have a bad habit of turning on the TV first thing in the morning and not turning it off until bedtime.  Even if nobody is watching it, it's still on.  This family is also notorious for leaving lights on every room.  This all has to stop.  Our electric bill is getting just too expensive.

Goal #2:  Get back on Weight Watchers.  I started WW in October 2011 and lost a nice amount of weight, felt better and even ran my first ever 5K.  A few months ago, I pretty much threw the program out the window and went back to my old eating habits (read: Del Taco Bacon & Egg Quesadillas almost every. single. morning.) and surprise, surprise, I've gained some weight back.

I actually started back on WW this morning when I attended my first meeting in months.  And discovered I had gained back almost half the weight I had lost.  Yes, I lost weight but it found me again.  I should have guessed that all that fast food would catch up with me, dammit.

Goal #3: Stop the swearing.  I've noticed I'm cussing a LOT more than I should and that needs to stop.  Cussing is such an easy habit to start but man, it's a hard one to break.  And it's one you don't even realize you're doing until someone points it out.

Goal #4:  Cut out fast food for one week.  I know it doesn't sound like much but if I can go 1 week without Del Taco, In-n-Out, Chik-Fil-A (which I always pronounced "Chick Fill UH") and even Subway, I will have made it over the hump.  And saved a nice bit of money, too.  I've been spending $25+ a week on fast food.  Money that I really can't afford to spend at this time.  Even with the coupons for Arby's that came in mail.  I love Arby's.  But they are SO EXPENSIVE so when coupons that'll get you 3 Roast Beef sammiches for $5 come in the mail, I'm all, "Woo hoo!  I'm having me some Arby's!!"

Goal #5:  Stop spending money I can't afford to spend on stuff I don't need.  Such as fast food.

I can do this.  I HAVE to do this.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012


Recently I posted about how the Puppy likes to chew and that she had found a Mystery Earring.

So just now, I'm sitting here at my desk, as I'm wont to do and she comes running in, plops down and proceeds to chew on something.

I get up and go to take whatever it is and guess what she was chewing on.

Go on, guess.

Give up?

I'll give you a hint:
Somehow, somewhere, she had found the mate to the Mystery Earring.

I still have no idea where these earrings came from, nor who they belong to.

I also was not paying attention as to where the puppy came from, if she came running from the bedroom area or if she came from the living room or if she came from the backyard.  

No clue.

So, if anyone is missing a pair of dangly diamond-like earrings, let me know.

In other news, my little boy, Thing 1, is recovering from surgery to repair his jacked up shoulder.

He's coming along nicely except for a bit of an allergic reaction to his pain meds, an evening when he was a complete and utter dick and the fact that he hasn't been able to shower or bathe since last Wednesday and can we say, "eww?"

Here's a picture of Thing 1 right before being wheeled into surgery:

And here he is post-surgery:
And here he is after getting up to use the toilet proved to be a bit much:
And here he is high on pain meds and desperately needing a haircut:
Good shit, man.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Tuesday, November 27, 2012


So we have moved to the other side of the Thanksgiving holiday and you know what that means, don't you?

Those most cherished of religious holiday traditions:

Black Friday and Cyber Monday.


Here's how I got ready for Black Friday:

On Thursday evening, after I cooked our entire Thanksgiving dinner BY MYSELF and then cleaned up afterwards BY MYSELF while the rest of the family lazily watched that classic Thanksgiving movie "Shrek Ever After," I opened my wallet and watched the moths fly out and then blew the dust away and counted my shekels.

Of which there were none.

Because shekels aren't legal currency in this year neck of the woods.

After the dust cleared, I peered into the depths of my wallet, sighed and then went and plopped on the sofa.

On Black Friday, I was gently awakened by a little fat puppy whose inner alarm clock goes off at 5:30am.  Every. Single. Morning.  

And when I say, "gently" I mean she pounces on my head and nips at my nose.

Just once I'd like her inner alarm clock to go off at the decadent hour of 7:00am.  THAT would be a treat. 

So after taking the puppy, who we still refer to as, "The Baby" or "Puppy" or "Trouble" because we just cannot agree on a name and I don't know what I'm going to tell the vet when she goes under the knife to make sure she doesn't get knocked up and they ask for her name and you know what name *I* thought was cute was the name "Nugget" because she's just a little golden nugget of a puppy but Thing 2 was all, "That's stupid and we are not naming her Nugget; her name is Puppy" and why yes this is a run-on sentence and I've totally lost the thread here.

Oh.  Right.  So I take NuggetPuppyBaby outside to take care of business and hightailed it back to bed, hoping against hope to get at least another hour of sleep.



So due to the lack of funds in my wallet, my Black Friday purchases were nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

Which means I saved HUNDREDS!


Then yesterday was Cyber Monday but instead of once again spending money I don't have on stuff I don't need (although boy do I want more than a few things, a list of which will follow at the end of this post just in case a Secret Millionaire reads this and wants to be a doll and get me something off my list.  A Girl Can Dream*), I spent the day saying Goodbye to the mother of one of my dearest friends.

The sad thing about a funeral, other than the fact that it's a FUNERAL which means SOMEONE DIED, is that you get a little too happy to see people whom you haven't seen in years and then you feel guilty that you're happy to see them because it's not as if this is a party or anything but when you get to a certain age, funerals are pretty much reunion time.

And so you make remarks such as, "I'm so happy to see you!" to your old boyfriend who also happens to be the son of the deceased and then you wince at what you said because the only reason you're seeing him is because his mom is laying 3 feet away in a silver box but he hugs you and tells you it's good to see you, too and you head to the ladies room to remove your foot from your mouth.

By the time I got home, I was pretty well pooped and also out of sorts because, and this is TMI but it's not as if there's a bunch of men reading this, Aunt Flo decided to make a VERY belated yet surprise appearance and since it's been a few months since she's graced me with her presence and I thought I'd never see her again, I was woefully unprepared if you get my drift.

So after all that, and because of the woeful state of my finances, I once again saved HUNDREDS by not shopping on Cyber Monday.

And that's how you save the big bucks on Black Friday and Cyber Monday, folks.

*Stuff Kelly Wants (but doesn't really need but WANTS):
Kindle Fire HD 8.9"
4 quart CrockPot
Foodsaver device
Bose iPod dock speaker thing
Artistic Talent

*Stuff Kelly actually DOES Need:
A job that offers good benefits because Anthem Blue Cross (those BASTARDS) is jacking up her medical insurance premiums a whopping 18.7% for a total increase of 25% in one year which means that she will be paying more for her medical insurance than she does for her mortgage.  And that's just wrong.

And wow, this became a Debbie Downer of a post.




Saturday, November 17, 2012


After being woken up at the lovely hour of 5:45 in the Aye Em by an energetic perpetual motion machine, aka, the Puppy, after taking her outside to pee, I attempted to go back to bed and get a little more sleep.

The dogs, however, had other ideas.  I figured this out when they started wrestling on the bed.

And that was my cue that any chance of sleep was over and done with so I said, "Ah, screw it!" and got out of bed.

After reading the paper, checking e-mails, Facebook, and the Twitter, I made a momentous decision, one that caused TheManTheMyth to ask, "Are you sure about this?"

I decided to go for a run.

Well, you see, in the last year, I have lost 20lbs (although 5 of the little bastards have managed to find their way back), I've run a 5K, completed the grueling AND brutal Palm Springs Tram Road Challenge and now I need to start training for the Surf City (Half) Marathon which will take place in February.

And this is the part where you may ask yourself, "My God, what have I done?!"

And this is also the part where you ask yourself, "Who are you and what have you done with Kelly?"


So I stuffed myself into my hideously ugly but extremely effective sports bra, the one that feels as if I'm wearing a corset but in the wrong place.  This thing has 11 hooks!  ELEVEN HOOKS, PEOPLE!!

And off I went.

And promptly discovered that when it's been a few months since I last actually ran, I lurch and stumble and look like Quasimodo dragging one leg behind him while gasping, "Sanctuary!  Sanctuary, Master!"

Yeah, I'm a catch.

But I did get in a good 3 mile run/walk/stagger so, yay me!

And this was all possible because TheManTheMyth was home to babysit the pooches because I just can't bring either of them with me because they drag me down and I gotta move, people.

I also gotta get this goddamn bra off; it's killing me.