They can haz a dikshunary

Okay, so this morning I was driving home from the park and I stop at a light and there's a truck 2 cars ahead of me and I see a company name on the truck and if my cellphone camera allowed me to take fast pictures, I would have taken a picture of the company name but my cellphone camera does not allow you to snap off quick shots because it's stupid and takes forever to take one picture but anyway.  What I wanted to take a picture of was the name of the construction company because it was something that drives me absolutely nuts.

Anyone who decides it will be cute to spell it "kunstrukshin kumpiny" is somebody I don't want to do business with thankyouverymuch.  Not that I need or want their services but if I did, they would definitely be the contractor I wouldn't be calling.  "Kunstrukshin."  Please. What is this, Romper Room?

There used to be a gym in our lovely town that used cutesy spelling for their name and oh, I HATED it.  "Fysicly Fit" was the name.  Which I always read as "Fiscally Fit" which was a huge joke in itself because the owners turned out to be a couple of con artists (allegedly) who took the money and ran, leaving their customers and employees high and dry.  And out quite a large amount of membership and payroll money.  Should have seen that coming, what with the stupid spelling of the business name.  That right there should have been a red flag, people.  Anyone who uses cutesy spelling for their business name is not to be trusted, I say.

And then there's the people who give their baby a name that's on the Top 10 list of baby names but then because they want their little darling to be unique and stand out from the other 12 kids they know with the same name, they use creative cutesy spelling so that "Ian" becomes "Eighn" which doomed that poor child to a lifetime of people asking how to pronounce his name. Someone I worked with years ago really did spell her son's name that way.  The worst example of cutesy name spelling was someone who decided that the spelling of "Taylor" just wasn't special enough for their child.  Their child (I think it was a girl, I could be wrong) wasn't just an ordinary Taylor, she/he had to be a "Tailhor."  Which is pronounced "Tail Whore" whether that was their intent or not.  And just sets that poor child up for mean jokes about her (his?) name.  Trust me, I know about people making fun of your name.  Kelly Belly.  Smelly Kelly.  Hobo Kelly.  Yeah.  Good times. 

How much you want to bet it was Tail Whore's parents who started the Kunstrukshin Kumpiny?  Any takers?  I didn't think so.

Aretha and Mac, or, "As the Printer Turns"

Here's another blog post to let you know that I'm busy being busy, people!  Oh, yesterday was such a busy day, working on these nightmare race results and trying to squeeze in some housework (she said with a straight face), attend to some paperwork, answer the many, many phone calls, all relating to the race that I'm trying to compile the results for and answering over 50 e-mails, mostly relating to said race although several were for construction bidness.

While attending to construction bidness stuff, I was chagrined to discover that my printer, which has always been a bit of a diva and will henceforth be known as "Aretha", has decided it is no longer speaking to my computer, "Mac," that the two of them are in a Fight. This has been building up since Mac came to live with us last month.  In a fit of jealousy, Aretha announced she would not allow Mac to fax documents, that she would only allow us to fax hard copies directly from her.  Fine, you temperamental bitch, I said.  As long as you do your job, I'll overlook the inconvenience of having to print up the document first.  Mac gave her a dirty look but she chose to ignore it.  And she continued to allow Mac to print documents from her.  Until yesterday.  Yesterday, everything changed between them. Possibly forever.

And now they are no longer speaking to each other At All.  When Mac tries to print something, Aretha does the whole, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you" while covering her ears and Mac tries again and Aretha is all, "Are you stoned or just stupid?  You can hit that 'print' button all you want but I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!"

Oh, she'll make copies just fine and she'll allow that lowlife Windows 7 laptop to print but anytime Mac tries to send something for her to print, she totally ignores him.

I don't know, maybe if Mac gave her a Snickers bar or something, she'll stop acting like such a diva and allow Mac and I to do our jobs because I don't have time for this type of behavior.   Otherwise, she'll have to be retired and sent to the Old Printers Home, aka, "The E-Waste Bin" at the Goodwill.

And Mac will get a new partner, a YOUNGER partner.  A trophy printer/copier/scanner/fax wife.


Think about it, Aretha.  Think about it.

No post today, I'm too busy

This is just a post to let you know that I'm too busy to post something today so if you come here looking for my latest entry, it's not here because I don't have time to entertain you and keep you enthralled with my usual sidesplitting outlook on life.

I spent the weekend out in the desert, with a horse that shall remain nameless (get it??) at our annual offroad motorcycle race and now that I'm home, I'm on a deadline to get our race results done and yes, people waited all of an hour to ask when results will be done (those people have been added to the Dead to Kelly list) and I'm about to pull my hair out and if you've seen my hair, you'd know that I can't afford to lose anymore hair but they make natural looking wigs these days so in the event I snatch myself bald, I'll just shell out a few bucks for a Raquel Welch wig and look fabulous.  Girlfriend may be (allegedly) a nightmare to work with but she still looks like a million bucks and if I wear her wigs, I too will become a knockout and where was I going with this?  Oh, yes.  Why I'm too busy to post and how it's making me suffer from an intentional form of alopecia but instead of my hair falling out on its own, I'm on the verge of yanking it out.  I won't, though, because that will hurt and I'm a wuss when it comes to pain and also too I'm not into inflicting pain upon my person intentionally.  Have you seen my arms?  Nary a cut mark on them.

Okay, back to the topic at hand which is why I'm too busy to post today.  For years I was in charge of all the administrative stuff on our race day and it was my responsibility to make sure everyone knew what they were doing but I retired from that and OF COURSE without my hands-on supervision and guidance, everything went to hell in a handbasket.  Sigh.  It's so hard to find good unpaid help these days, lemme tell you.

So I must dash and get back to work on these ding dang race results with the incorrectly filled out paperwork and when I get a minute or two, I will be back to my )ir)regularly scheduled program of witty bon mots.

So remember, there isn't a new post today because I'm just too busy!

There's a reason US Weekly is not known for their recipes

So, one of the things I'm attempting to do this fine 2011 is eat a little healthier and take a little step out of my comfort zone and try new things to eat*, HEALTHIER things.  I even tried beets!  How did I like them?  Um, let's just say that box is checked.  They were so Not Delicious.  Unless you like the taste of dirt.  Which I don't.  Not even when I was a kid.

Another food I have wanted to try is quinoa although I really want to know how they got "Keen Wah" out of "Kwin Oh Uh" but anyway, I've heard really good things about keen wah Quinoa and how it's supposed to be one of nature's most perfect foods and that lady on that show on the BBC, "You Are What You Eat" is always touting it and have you ever watched that show?  Oh. My. God.  Some grossly overweight person is nominated by their family/friends or they nominate themselves and they have to keep a food diary of everything they eat for one week and then the week's worth of food is put on a table for the person to see it all in its glory and I thought *I* had an unhealthy diet but the crap these people eat makes me look almost vegan as long as you don't count my Bacon & Egg Quesadilla from Del Taco (and I don't).  I love that show.

ANYWAY.  I bought a box of quinoa at Trader Joe's and it's been sitting in my pantry and I've been putting  off making it until I saw a recipe for quinoa in the latest issue of US Weekly magazine and it looked good so I thought I'd give it a try.

My first mistake was trying a recipe found in a celebrity gossip rag that is more known for, well, NOT cooking and recipes.

My second mistake was following the directions in the magazine instead of on the box of the quinoa.

The directions in the magazine said to take a cup, yes, one CUP of quinoa and cook it with 1/4 cup of skim milk, add in some chopped nuts and it's an even healthier alternative to oatmeal.

So what's wrong with this picture, you ask.  Well.  Had I read the directions on the actual box of quinoa instead of US Weekly's directions, I would have seen where it says to cook the quinoa using 1 part quinoa and 2 parts liquid.  And the reason for the 2:1 ratio is because quinoa is like a sponge and will just suck up that liquid and the stuff just expands and seems to triple in volume.  So when I poured in the 1/4 cup of milk into the full cup of quinoa, that milk disappeared faster than I could say, "Huh?"  And the cooking directions on the box said to bring it to a boil and then simmer for about 15 minutes until all liquid has been absorbed.

So I'm looking at the pan of quinoa and there is NO liquid to boil until it's absorbed so I pour in a little more milk which also disappears in the blink of an eye and I stir and cook and after about 5 minutes I think ok, it should be done because all the liquid has been absorbed so I scrape the now 7 cups of semi-cooked quinoa into a bowl and attempt to eat it.

I tried, really, I tried.  But have you ever tried to eat semi-cooked quinoa?  It's like eating wet sand.  My teeth hurt.  That was about the time I took a gander at the box to see how it's supposed to be cooked and saw the 2 parts liquid to 1 part quinoa thing.

Which explained SO MUCH.

But now that I know how to cook it properly (I think), I will definitely be eating Keen Wah on a regular basis.  And feel I'm But I think 1/2 cup of the stuff will be more than enough, seeing as it triples in volume.  Seriously, I have never seen a food expand THAT MUCH.

And from now on, maybe I'll be a little more skeptical when it comes to culinary advise from a celebrity gossip magazine.

Maybe the "healthy" fried chicken recipe I got from People Magazine comes out better.

*Still not gonna try tomatoes, though.  Not gonna happen.

Buried my poverty, but...

There's a New Year's Eve tradition I've been doing for a couple of years and this time was no exception.  On New Year's Eve, you put some money, any denomination, in a ziplock bag and you bury it while saying the words, "I'm burying my poverty."  On New Year's Day, you uncover the money and say, "I'm uncovering wealth."  And then during the new year, you're supposed to come into some unexpected funds.  Oh, and you can't ever spend the money you buried.

So.  Last night I performed the ritual, burying a bill in a ziplock.  I did this in a small planter in my backyard.  And I stuck a spoon in the dirt right where I had buried the money mark the location.  And this morning I went outside to uncover my wealth.  The spoon was right there but the ziplock AND the money was not.  And I'm all, "What. The. Hell?" and I'm frantically digging around in the soil and nope, nothing.  Somehow, it had disappeared.  And in case you're wondering, I was stone-cold sober when I buried it we can't use drunken forgetfulness as an excuse for the missing money.

Of course I instantly knew who the culprit was:  Thing 2.  There is no way on God's Green Earth that she can ignore unattended cash money.  She just can't.  I mean, this is the child who even said she "collected vintage money" when she found a $2 bill on my dresser and demanded I hand it over.  Which I did in exchange for two $1 bills from her "collection." 


I marched into her cave, flipped on the overhead light, which caused her to gasp and hiss like a vampire does when hit by daylight, and asked her if she knew anything about the missing money.  Which of course she denied while trying to stifle her snickers and chortles.  It was only when I threatened to open her window shades and let natural light flood the cave that she confessed to digging it up after I went to bed.  Luckily, it was after midnight when she did it and technically New Year's but I don't know if she recited the magic words of "I'm uncovering my wealth" but knowing Her, she did it because she's all about the wealth.  Her wealth.


So other than That, we did have a lovely NYE.  Thing 1's girlfriend, who we affectionately call, "Someone" because in the early days of the romance, Kevin would say, "Someone is coming over" or "Someone got mad at me because I was stupid and got arrested over Halloween" so the name stuck and anyway, Someone joined Thing 2 and I for New Year's Eve because Kevin was in the desert and Someone didn't want to go out and party without her man so the three of us girls went to dinner and watched "Easy A" and by 11:45pm, we were pretty much dragging and five minutes after midnight, I was in bed although the two girls ended up staying up until around 2:00am.  To make sure I was fully asleep before digging up my money is what I'm guessing.


So we'll see if the buried money still works even though I wasn't the one to uncover the wealth.  If Thing 2 is the beneficiary of some unexpected wealth, I'm gonna kick her butt and demand she give me a cut.


Wait.  Who am I kidding?  Thing 2 share the wealth?  That'll never happen.


Sigh.

Happiness is seeing 2010 in the rear view mirror!

Can you believe another year has come and gone?  I know you are all dying to hear about MY family's exciting year!

TheManTheMyth has had a pretty good year, work-wise.  The construction industry seems to have gotten its second wind so TheManTheMyth has been kept quite busy, which is such a relief because there were a couple of times I thought I would actually have to go out and get a job and we all know how I feel about THAT.  "Work" is one of those four letter words I try to avoid.

TheManTheMyth also had a great racing year.  He ended up 4th overall for the 50+ age group, which is one of the most competitive in our racing district.  Those old guys still haul butt.  He also competed in the Kenda National Hare & Hound Series and will carry either the N5M plate for next year or the N6M plate.  We're not sure because it turns out there are two separate versions of the Official Final standings and nobody seems to know which is which but they better get it straightened out pretty quick is what I'm saying.  We need to order the special National plate and N?M just wouldn't look right.

2010 was the year Thing 2 decided to retire from playing hockey after 8 years.  She had made it to the Championship game on various teams more times than we can count but was always the bridesmaid and never the bride.  We knew she was done when during her final season she pretty much played what we liked to call, "Watch hockey," where she mostly just skates along and watches everyone else go after the puck.

 As you can see from this picture at her final (unsuccessful) shot at the Championship, the enthusiasm was GONE.  Since her retirement, Thing 2 has become quite the accomplished cave dweller and by cave, I mean her bedroom.  She has also been working hard on her power-sleeping and considers it a perfect night's rest when she can remain comatose until the afternoon without anyone trying to disturb her beauty rest. She's a real go-getter, our Thing 2 is!


We lost our Lucy back in February.  Well, we didn't really "lose" her; I know exactly where she is and that is in a lovely box in my curio cabinet, along with a couple of other deceased pets and fathers. 

6 weeks later, we made an impromptu drive to Alhambra and came home with Gracie Lou:

She keeps us on our toes and does her Daddy love her!  Except when she pees on the patio instead of the grass.  Then the love goes out the door. 

I'm still a steward for AMA District 37 Off-road Division.  It keeps me off the streets and out of the bars although I did take a year-long sabbatical from the races.  And liked it.  And am no hurry to go back to the desert.  I also took a cruise from Seattle to Vancouver and back.  

And got seasick.  Again.  And missed the dress-up night.  Again.  Can't wait to take my next cruise!


Out of all of us, Thing 1 had the most eventful year.  He got his new KTM 250XC on January 1st and on January 2nd he did this to his kneecap:

which put his racing on hold for a couple of months.  Two weeks after he returned to racing, he did THIS:

The boy is not a cheap date.  In June, Thing 1 graduated with Honors from Los Alamitos High School:

In September, Our Little Boy started his freshman year at California State University Long Beach, where he will major in Environmental Studies.  2 weeks into the school year, he was riding his bicycle home from school when he was mowed down by a hit-and-run driver:

The bike did not survive.

Kevin also put all those "Is he gay?" rumors to rest by getting himself a real live girlfriend!

The highlight of Kevin's year was being chosen to race in the historic Catalina Grand Prix, where he finished 4th overall.  Unfortunately, we don't have any photos because the photographer was too intoxicated to be able to tell if the camera was focused.

Being college students, Kevin and several friends decided to experience the infamous Halloween festivities at UC Santa Barbara.  As they drove off, I gave everyone two pieces of advice:  1) Don't die and B) Don't get arrested. 

Turns out the Santa Barbara Police Department did not find a drunken 18 year old stumbling through the streets while dressed in a $12 pirate costume all that amusing.  Luckily, they did eventually decide that a night in County Jail was punishment enough and dropped the charges.

Well, 2010, I'd just like to say "So long, farewell, auf weidersehen, goodbye!"  And don't let the door hit ya in the ass!

Putting the X in Xmas

Christmas, or "Xmas" as I like to call it because I'm all about the religious aspect of this overly commercial holiday (I'm not) and also because, well, I'm not Christian although my nephew is.  Christian I mean because that's his name and anyhoo, it's over.  The holiday.  Not my nephew.  Although I think at times he's SO over his crazy aunts and where was I?

So.  Back to the topic on hand.  Which is the fact that Xmas is over.  It was a lovely Xmas.  Well, for me at least.  Because I got a new 27" iMac!  Oh, it arrived about a week after Thanksgiving but still.  It's bee-yoo-tee-ful!

I also got an Amazon gift card (yay!) a Borders gift card (yay!) a couple of DVDs including some starring my boyfriend, Jason Statham whom I LOVE:

because he is HOT and some Chinese Fortune Telling Sticks.  Chinese Fortune Telling Sticks you ask?  Why yes.  You see, somehow my family has started to refer to me as "Gypsy" (long story) so of course they have to take that and run with it 

 and I even have a real crystal ball, which I use while moonlighting as Madame Berserka, Fortune Teller to the Stars:

Okay, I don't really moonlight as a Gypsy fortune teller but if I did, I'd have the crystal ball and Chinese Fortune Telling Sticks on hand and now that I think about it, maybe I SHOULD go into bizness as a Gypsy fortune teller, illegally of course because you know, my business license is for selling off-road light kits but if you think about it, fortune telling IS kind of a see-the-light thing so I should be golden and my, haven't I gone off an yet another tangent that has nothing to do with Christmas, which is nothing new here, folks.


Oh! And I also got a new computer desk chair and this thing is a throne!  It is the most comfortable chair I've ever sat in and the rest of the family agrees.


It took us all of 5 minutes to open gifts on Christmas morning and 4 of those minutes were for TheManTheMyth to open his gifts, which consisted of Dickies work pants and Safety Orange t-shirts.  He gets the same thing every year although the color of the t-shirts can and may vary.  He also got a new pair of shoes and when he opened the box with said shoes, the look on his face was all, "You've got to be kidding me" and I'm all, "No really, PUT THEM ON" and he finally did and while they may not be the most stylish of shoes (an understatement), they're what he needs when he's not wearing his Red Wing work boots or motorcycle boots and after walking around in them, he admitted they were the most comfortable shoes he's ever worn:

 Thing 1 received new tires for his road bicycle and a new wardrobe, which is what he asked for but still feels he was robbed despite an entire new racing wardrobe and various parts for his race bike arriving from his sponsors but I guess he wanted a G I Joe with the Kung Fu grip or something.  Oh, and both he and Thing 2 got lots and lots of cash and some DVDs.


Thing 2 received a Playstation 3, which is what she asked for, and found out the hard way that it won't play her old PS2 games so now she has the new PS3 and nothing to play on it.  Ho. Ho. Ho.


Here's my lovely family shortly after they opened their gift(s) and were under overwhelmed with their haul:

We went back over to my seester's house for a Prime Rib Christmas Dinner and a lovely time was had by all:

As you can tell, we don't dress up all fancy for Christmas.

So now, we've put the EX in Xmas because it's over and all that's left is the memories and the bills, oh God the bills and to look forward to New Year's Eve because for the first time in, I dunno, a decade or so, I will NOT be spending New Year's Eve in the desert but will instead stay home and party like a (pet) rock star with Thing 2 and Thing 1's girlfriend and assorted other friends and loved ones and I will FINALLY get to watch the NHL Winter Classic live...unless I'm feeling a tad poorly from partying like a (pet) rock star, which I probably won't because it's been awhile since I've partied like a rock star and I don't miss it to be honest because I'm so over being hungover because being hungover on New Year's Day is so, uh, OVER.

And with that, I'm outta here to go and work on my Brag & Gag for 2010. 

Oh, and I have no idea why the spaces are so huge between paragraphs. *I* didn't put them like that.