SIX WORDS

I was reading the latest issue of The Oprah Magazine (Don't you judge me) and there was a feature called, "You in Six Words" where you describe your life in...wait for it... six words.

Some of the contributions were funny and some were sad.  Some were Deep and some were shallow.

So I thought about it and thought about it and wondered how I would describe my life in six words because it's not as if I've lived a fabulous life but I haven't exactly lived a humdrum BORING life, either.  Dead Head, Head Banger, Floozy, Headbangin' Floozy, etc. are just some of the things I've experienced/done/been.

I haven't traveled around the world or even to countries that aren't part of North America.


I haven't had a really horrible (paying) job or one that made me excited and/or inspired. 

I loved.  I've lost.  I've won (Isn't that oh-so deep?).


However, that's not my Six Word description.

No, after really thinking about the things I've done in my, wait, how old am I again? Oh, that's right, 48-1/2 years.  Jeez.

Anyway, after really thinking about the things I've done in my 48-1/2 years, the best Six Word description I can come up with is this:

Some Questionable Choices But No Regrets.

Because I've made some questionable decisions/choices, some of which were beyond questionable, some were painful and some were just plain stupid.  But I don't regret any of them because they were experiences that made me who I am today.


Older and (somewhat) wiser.


So how would you describe your life in six words?

I WILL HUG IT AND SQUEEZE IT AND LOVE IT AND KISS IT AND I WILL CALL IT "GEORGE"

Guess what I got?  Guess what I got?  Guess what I got?

No, not George Parros (dammit)

Nor did I get a restraining order from George Parros.

Although the day isn't over yet.

No, I got an iPhone 4S!!!!

I KNOW!!!!

And can I just say that I love this phone as much as I love George?

Because I do.

Which is why I have named it "George."

Oh, and SPEAKING of my iPhone 4S and George Parros, guess what was the first thing I asked Siri?

Go on, guess.

Give up?

The first thing I asked Siri was, "Where can I find hockey players?"

And Siri's response?

"I'm sorry.  I can't help you with that."

Wow, Siri.  Low blow.
 
Somehow, Siri found out about my *thing* for stalking hockey players and is trying to protect her/its own ass from any future legal repercussions.

WhatEVER, Siri.  I don't NEED your help.

Except when I need to find a good defense attorney.





 

Bad news, Good News

So this morning, I get in my car and head to the Crack House (don't judge; I've lost 12lbs since November 1st.  I can afford to treat myself now and then).  Although I have XM Radio, which I LOVE and can't/don't want to live without, I do listen to my iPod in my car.

So I'm driving and I go to switch from XM to my iPod and it doesn't switch over.  I keep hitting the switch on the steering wheel and it just goes from XM to AM to FM to AUX but not to "Kelly's iPod."


"Hmmmm," I think to myself.  So I open the console between the seats to see if maybe my iPod, which is a Red Nano with my name engraved on the back, had come unplugged.

And yes, you could say that it had, indeed, become unplugged.  In fact, it was gone.

Along with my Shell gas card.


Fuck.

And then I think that maybe Thing 1 borrowed my gas card so he could put gas in Big Red and took my iPod because he needed the cord for HIS iPod.

So I ask him and nope, he doesn't have it.

I ask everyone in the family if they have my gas card and my iPod and the answer is No.

Which means that someone stole my iPod and my gas card.

But left a couple of dollars and a boatload of change.  Go figure.

And no, my car was not locked.  I know, I know.  Here's your sign.


But at least my wallet wasn't in my car.  Not that there was any money in it but still.


I've already called Shell and reported my card stolen and it will take a week for a new one to get here.  Luckily, I had just filled my tank the day before so I'm good there.


However, there IS a bright side to all this:


I GET TO GO AND GET A NEW iPHONE 4S!!!


I KNOW!!


Thing 1 is going to pitch a fit but he can go out and do something to EARN his own iPhone.  And pay the monthly bill.


Yeah, shut HIM up.


And before anyone says, "But Kelly, what do YOU do to earn an iPhone?" let me just say that at this time of year, every year, I EARN MY KEEP and TheManTheMyth acknowledges it.


And by "earning my keep" I mean I take care of all the paperwork, of which there is buttloads, for our motorcycle race.  Including doing the results, which I finished in less than two days (which is a record) because I'm THAT GOOD.


As soon as TMTM gave me the go-ahead for the new phone, I skedaddled to my local Apple store.


Only to discover they were sold out of the 16GB phone.


Yeah.


So, I'll continue to use my piece of poo Droid for a little while longer and I dug out my ancient iPod Shuffle, the one that looks like a pack of Wrigley's Spearmint gum, loaded it up with a couple of songs and I'm good.


For now.

The Car? Or Debbie?

I am on the horns of a dilemma here, people.  

A decision needs to be made.  

A choice must be made.

I must use my Freedom of Choice but not about a dog in Ancient Rome who had 2 bones and picked up one and licked the other and now I'm off on a Devo song tangent.

But that's how my mind works.

So, back to my dilemma, my choice, my decision that needs to be made.

Let me start by talking about my cellphone.


I know, excitement city.


Since I've had my current cellphone, the Motorola Droid, it has been a great phone.  Unless I want to send or receive e-mails.  Then it sucks big, fat donkey dicks.


And since I receive, on the average, 50+ e-mails a day, this is A Problem.


For reasons unknown to me, my phone likes to withhold my e-mails until IT decides when and if I should receive them.  And how often I should receive them.  There's been many a time that e-mails will arrive a good 48 hours AFTER they've been sent.


Another issue is that my Droid will re-send the same e-mails as many as 5 times.  And when you get 50+ e-mails being resent 5 times, it's A Problem.


And another issue is that e-mails won't load so I can't open them.


And yet ANOTHER ISSUE is that I am unable to send e-mails using my primary account.  Every time I attempt it, I'm asked for my password and then told my password is incorrect and sucks to be you, doesn't it?


My phone.  Disrespecting me since 2010.


So OBVIOUSLY I need a new phone.  One that doesn't give me attitude and does what I pay for it to do.


And since I am a diehard fan of the Fruit Company, the phone I want is the Apple iPhone.  


And if I'm going to get an iPhone, it makes sense to get the 4S and not the 4.


Now, I'm going to move from talking about my stupid phone to talking about my undergarments.


My bras, to be exact.


I don't wear cheap bras.  I can't.  My bras work hard for the money keeping my massive mammaries supported and a cheap bra just doesn't offer the love and support my F-Troops require.


So spending nearly $100 on a single bra is something that Has to Be Done.


And this week, one of my expensive yet hardworking bras finally threw in the towel, rolled over and died.  The underwire snapped in two and poked right through the material, practically impaling me in the rib cage.


As I've said, those poor bras work hard for the money.


So this means I need to buy new bras, which is actually something I HATE to do because it takes hours to find one that fits right and feels right and even if it's the same bra I've worn, you have to try on every.single.bra because they all fit differently.

Plus, you spend A LOT of money for something that isn't something you can play Words With Friends on and that makes me cross.

Which leads me to My Dilemma.


Funds are more than a little tight this time of year, what with paying for Christmas and an offroad motorcycle race and a kid who just had surgery on his knee and all those pesky doctors and hospitals and physical therapists and MRI people want to be paid.


Which means that I have to decide:  Do I get my new iPhone or do I buy some new Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders? 

Both will see A LOT of use, both are very much needed.


The iPhone?


The bras?


What do I do?  Which do I choose?


And if you're wondering what the title has to do with anything, watch "Bachelor Party" with Tom Hanks.

HEY KIDS, WHAT DAY IS IT??

It's the day when every blogger blogs about what went on in their lives throughout the year.

Why?

Because it's the last day of the year, that's why!

But guess what?

CHICKEN BUTT!!!

That never gets old.

*I* am not going to do a 2011 retrospective because frankly, not a whole helluva lot went on during 2011 that merits reminiscing about.  I went to Lake Tahoe for a couple of days in August.  That's about it.

Because who lives an exciting life?

Not this gal.


And I'm okay with that.


Once upon a time, I did Fun and Exciting Things to ring in the New Year.

In 1983, I was dating a guy who was the singer in a rock band.  I KNOW, right?  Every girl should go out with a guy in a rock band at least once in their lives and then? Box checked.


Anyway, he had a house party gig on New Year's Eve and I was all excited, so excited in fact that I neglected to actually eat anything in the hours leading up to the party, where I would be starring in the role of "Lead Singer's Girlfriend."


And because it was New Year's Eve and I was the Lead Singer's Girlfriend, which was not as glamorous as it sounds, I was a-drinking and a-partying, all on an empty stomach.


So by the time midnight rolled around, guess who was rolling around in the bushes, puking her guts out?  Oh, I was a LOT of fun that night, lemme tell you.  And The Boyfriend?  Was NOT sympathetic.  Or concerned.  Or attentive.  But what he DID do, was find someone else to kiss at midnight, nice guy that he was.


New Year's Eve 1986 was a good one.  I went and saw the Grateful Dead play one of their famous/infamous New Year's Eve shows.  I went with my boyfriend, The DeadHead, and while the rest of the DeadHeads camped out in the local park, we roughed it at the Marriott in Berkeley.  


Surprisingly, I made it through the entire show without ever once indulging in the recreational chemicals that are plentiful at Dead concerts.  I don't remember why.


Since I've been married to TheManTheMyth, we've spent most of our NYE camping out in the desert with our motorcycle club.  For years, we would cook a gigantic prime rib for the everybody and drink martinis and champagne and set off fireworks, which would scare the crap out of everyone's dogs and there was always drama of some sort including the guy who rolled his truck 1/4 mile from camp and then spent the next few hours wandering through the desert in a daze like Moses if Moses had been drunk and rolled his truck, a few fistfights breaking out amongst long-time friends and guess who decided she's kind of done "celebrating" in that manner?


Which is why I'm saying Farewell 2011, Hello 2012 here at home with Thing 2 and Gracie Lou while TheManTheMyth and Thing 1 are carrying on tradition in the desert.


I will watch my beloved Anaheim Ducks probably get beaten by the Colorado Avalanche because the Ducks are sucking big time this year but I still love them. 

And I will wake up in 2012, without a hangover and I will think about what I can do to make 2012 a little more interesting than 2011 in a way that doesn't involve NHL players filing restraining orders.  Again.

PANDEMONIUM

Last week I went to IKEA to return something AND to stock up on bags of their Swedish Meatballs and Sauce Mix (because YUMMY!) and I figured while I was there, I really should look at their cookware because I was in serious need of a new frying pan and besides, there's always tons of swell stuff at IKEA along with Real Housewives of the OC all pushing strollers filled with screaming toddlers because, in case you didn't know, IKEA is the hot ticket to go for Mommy & Me outings because not only is there a little Drop-the-Rugrats-Off-Here-While-You-Shop daycare/play area, the cafe serves good food and dirt cheap prices and if I lived closer to an IKEA, I'd eat every meal there and wow this is one helluva long run-on sentence.

Deep breath.

So anyway, I'm browsing in the cookware section and there's all kinds of pots and pans and I finally choose a big-ass heavy duty frying pan, pay for it and haul it home.

You guys. It's the most awesome pan in the world.

Everything that I've cooked on it has come out perfect.

It's beautiful.

We're in love, my pan and I.

Or is it "my pan and me?"  Grammar police?  What say you?

Anyway.

I'm thinking of giving my pan a name because we have a Relationship going on now so what's a good name for it?

Oh.  Duh.  Peter.  Get it?  Peter PAN??


Work with me, people!

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Peter:

Isn't he GORGEOUS??

Yes, he weighs a ton and has to be washed by hand instead of just tossing him the dishwasher but I DON'T CARE, I LOVE HIM AND WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER 4EVR!!

Kelly

+

Peter

4 EVr

And filed under "Weird Stuff" (not like me being in love with a frying pan is weird or anything), Thing 1 went to change the oil in Big Red and found this tied to the undercarriage:

There's only one obvious explanation for this:


MORE COWBELL!!

CONTAIN YOURSELF, WOMAN!!

Despite all evidence to the contrary (have you SEEN my office?), I have a "thing" for organizational stuff.  I buy books that tell me how to declutter and simplify my life.

Never mind that those books have become part of the clutter that has taken over my office, my Special Place, my Sanctuary.  Yeah, it's a mess but I LOVE my office.  Although I would love to shitcan my desk because it's huge and ugly massive and takes up way too much room because it's so huge and massive and ugly and it really doesn't have much storage which is why EVERYTHING ends up ON it instead of put away nice and neat IN it.

Anyway.

I love anything that helps you to Get Organized and today, I visited the Mecca of the Organizational World.

The Container Store.

Whose motto should be, "A Place for Everything and Everything in its Place and this is the Place to Get a Place for Everything!"

When I walked in, I thought I had died and gone to Organizational Heaven.


And, I think I gave a squeal AND a heavy sigh.


I walked up and down every. single. aisle and made sure I checked out the end-caps to see what sort of gadgetry called out to me and let me tell you, EVERYTHING called out to me.


I easily could have spent hundreds, no, THOUSANDS of dollars I don't have on stuff I'm positive I need to turn my office into a Thing of Organized Beauty.


Cabinets!  Bins!  Shelving!  Racks!  Holders!  Gadgets!


I wandered into the kitchen section and there were Cabinets!  Bins!  Shelving!  Racks!  Holders!  Gadgets that you didn't know even existed but you know you Must Have!


Everything to keep your kitchen all tidy and organized!


The Laundry/Utility Section!  Bins!  Cabinets!  Shelving!  Holders for mops, brooms, buckets!  Gadgets!!


Oh, it was Organizational overload!  There were bins to hold bins!  It was like the Matroyshka Dolls of storage!


I needed to contain myself (get it?  Who cracks herself up?  This gal!) before I exploded so I headed out the door.

But not before purchasing two items to help me in my organizational needs:  A rubber pet hair removal brush thingamajig (it works!) and lids for dog food cans.

Who's Miss Organized now?

Not this gal.